In a curious turn of events, I have somehow received a handwritten note from him, placed on my car while I was at work today ... along with some lip gloss I apparently left at his place. I am as angry as I am relieved. This one really threw me for a loop.
The note was short, 5 sentences, the first sentence being "War is easy to get into, but hell to get out of" the last statement being "You are amazing". How can a woman who he doesnt love and doesnt want to have a future with be amazing? The note was sincere, sweet, remorseful, and I am really at a crossroads here about what I should do. On one hand, my friends tell me he is being manipulative and that he is just lonely and doesnt have anyone who will listen to him like I did -- but on the other hand, I have the man, who (still) means the world to me, showing me a sign of regret and reaching out for me. Something I want more than anything.
I feel like I want to call him and just ask him what he is doing...?? Why he is doing this. He has clearly stated his case, does he just intend to torture me even more? Is he sincere? Did he write that in a moment of weakness, or does he want to work things out? Why would he try to get in contact with me when he has done everything he could to push me away?
This has never happened before, I dont really know how to handle this situation, other than with tears ... and lots of wine.
What am I going to do?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Day 10
I spent last weekend in a half-and-half mode. Half the time I was plotting and scheming, dreaming up magnificent ways in which to get him back. The other half of the time, I was trying to escape my sadness. Ive decided that a trip to San Fran to visit one of my best friends is in high order. It seems that every time I have a significant life change, I escape to San Fran and that brings me some peace -- and a good dose of perspective.
Last time I was there, I completed a marathon (which we ran together). The time before that, I had just been let go from a job that I loved. Being there with her always makes me feel wanted and powerful -- in a very feministic, positive self-worth way. She is the epitome of an independent, strong, successful woman, and her strength inspires me. When she was dating, she never called the guys, she let them call her. She would never be caught dead running back to someone. Her philosophy was (is) that if a man wanted her bad enough, he would have to work to get her. I love that about her!! Luckily, she found a man who was willing to put in the work. She always tries to get me to see life from that perspective, and I want to ... its just hard for me to throw the emotional side of me to the wind. A very big problem I have is that I get emotionally attached very, VERY easily. This is an issue for me, I know it. I have done this with all my relationships since my divorce. Its not that I dont think Im worth anything, because I know I have a lot (A LOT) to offer, I just am very idealistic, and have a romanticized view of life (and love) -- and, to a fault, believe in true love. So when I find someone who fits my ideal, I hold onto it with EVERYTHING I have, and have a very hard time letting go ... even when the writing is on the wall (or in the email, in this case).
I spent some much needed 'girl time' time with another one of my good friends this weekend. I feel so blessed to have people in my life that continue to support me and give me a shoulder to cry on, even though they have every right to say "I told you so" -- they never would. I spent Sat night surrounded by a best friend, bottles of wine, chinese food, ice cream, angry birds on ps3 ... and Zombieland!!
Today I feel better. I am really trying to focus more on the things that didnt go so great in my relationship, and there were plenty of those. I get sad when I look back and I see all the happy times we had (there were plenty of those too) but what I am starting to see is that even tho there were a lot of good times, I dont know if they outweigh the bad. The good times were good, but the bad times were really, Really, REALLY bad. The whole 2nd half of our relationship was spent on a roller coaster of super high high's and super low low's. Does one outweigh the other? I dont know yet?
Last time I was there, I completed a marathon (which we ran together). The time before that, I had just been let go from a job that I loved. Being there with her always makes me feel wanted and powerful -- in a very feministic, positive self-worth way. She is the epitome of an independent, strong, successful woman, and her strength inspires me. When she was dating, she never called the guys, she let them call her. She would never be caught dead running back to someone. Her philosophy was (is) that if a man wanted her bad enough, he would have to work to get her. I love that about her!! Luckily, she found a man who was willing to put in the work. She always tries to get me to see life from that perspective, and I want to ... its just hard for me to throw the emotional side of me to the wind. A very big problem I have is that I get emotionally attached very, VERY easily. This is an issue for me, I know it. I have done this with all my relationships since my divorce. Its not that I dont think Im worth anything, because I know I have a lot (A LOT) to offer, I just am very idealistic, and have a romanticized view of life (and love) -- and, to a fault, believe in true love. So when I find someone who fits my ideal, I hold onto it with EVERYTHING I have, and have a very hard time letting go ... even when the writing is on the wall (or in the email, in this case).
I spent some much needed 'girl time' time with another one of my good friends this weekend. I feel so blessed to have people in my life that continue to support me and give me a shoulder to cry on, even though they have every right to say "I told you so" -- they never would. I spent Sat night surrounded by a best friend, bottles of wine, chinese food, ice cream, angry birds on ps3 ... and Zombieland!!
Today I feel better. I am really trying to focus more on the things that didnt go so great in my relationship, and there were plenty of those. I get sad when I look back and I see all the happy times we had (there were plenty of those too) but what I am starting to see is that even tho there were a lot of good times, I dont know if they outweigh the bad. The good times were good, but the bad times were really, Really, REALLY bad. The whole 2nd half of our relationship was spent on a roller coaster of super high high's and super low low's. Does one outweigh the other? I dont know yet?
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Day 8
I have been having these weird dreams. Dreams about my teeth and hair falling out. Me, not being one to put much stock in dreams, usually would think nothing of this. But, given my situation, I have tried to analyze, over-analyze and re-analyze these in hopes that maybe my subconscious might have more insight than I do.
From what I can extrapolate from the many sources I have researched (ahem, google) dreams like these usually mean that you feel like youre losing control. Maybe I should put more stock in dreams ... this is exactly what I am feeling.
Today is a Saturday, and I woke up in a total funk. I didnt have any weird dreams last night, but for some reason I woke up this morning in tears. Maybe all of this is becoming all too real to me now. I have broken out in tears 3 times already this morning ... and its not even 10am yet.
Over the past week I have scoured the internet for songs that might give me some peace, some sense of validation in my decision to end this with him (We Belong, Pat Benatar | The Promise, When in Rome | Hold you in my Arms, Ray LaMontagne) ...or for some glimmer of hope that we might work this out. I mean, he doesnt love me, after an entire year!? Shouldnt that be a big enough red flag for me to move on already? Why is that so hard for me to come to terms with?
This is ridiculous! All I want is for him to burst though my door with flowers and his big beautiful smile and tell me how sorry he is and how he wants me back. What the hell is wrong with me? Even after everything, how can I still want that??
Every time I look outside my back window, I look for his car in my driveway, every time my phone chimes, I think it *might* be him text messaging me and telling me that he wants me back.
You know whats even worse? Knowing that there is not a chance in hell that any of the above would actually happen. Not even a remote chance that he would admit that he was wrong, tell me that I am the best thing in his life and come crawling back to me. The only way we would connect again, is if I gave in. Why am I so weak?? What is it about him that makes me want to crawl back into his arms and feel safety once again?
I am seriously pathetic.
From what I can extrapolate from the many sources I have researched (ahem, google) dreams like these usually mean that you feel like youre losing control. Maybe I should put more stock in dreams ... this is exactly what I am feeling.
Today is a Saturday, and I woke up in a total funk. I didnt have any weird dreams last night, but for some reason I woke up this morning in tears. Maybe all of this is becoming all too real to me now. I have broken out in tears 3 times already this morning ... and its not even 10am yet.
Over the past week I have scoured the internet for songs that might give me some peace, some sense of validation in my decision to end this with him (We Belong, Pat Benatar | The Promise, When in Rome | Hold you in my Arms, Ray LaMontagne) ...or for some glimmer of hope that we might work this out. I mean, he doesnt love me, after an entire year!? Shouldnt that be a big enough red flag for me to move on already? Why is that so hard for me to come to terms with?
This is ridiculous! All I want is for him to burst though my door with flowers and his big beautiful smile and tell me how sorry he is and how he wants me back. What the hell is wrong with me? Even after everything, how can I still want that??
Every time I look outside my back window, I look for his car in my driveway, every time my phone chimes, I think it *might* be him text messaging me and telling me that he wants me back.
You know whats even worse? Knowing that there is not a chance in hell that any of the above would actually happen. Not even a remote chance that he would admit that he was wrong, tell me that I am the best thing in his life and come crawling back to me. The only way we would connect again, is if I gave in. Why am I so weak?? What is it about him that makes me want to crawl back into his arms and feel safety once again?
I am seriously pathetic.
Friday, January 28, 2011
One week out (day 7)
A week ago, my boyfriend and I, of exactly 1 year, broke up. The break up was as sudden as it was devastating. Things had been going SO well, the turbulence of the past 5 months was dying down and things were beginning to level off. So the confusion I have is insurmountable.
We dated in high school for a while, and then we went our separate ways for 15 years. I went off, got married, had 2 children, got divorced and had a series of relatively insignificant relationships since the divorce -- he went off, got into a bit of trouble with a little too much partying and such, but eventually saw the err of his ways and joined the marine corps.
We re-connected again last January, by chance, really, in what I considered to be a "fate" type situation. I have never been very good at the whole 'dating game' thing, most of my life has been lived in a long-term committed relationship. I never really had, or wanted, the opportunity to date very many people. I would get in a relationship, realize I was happy (enough), and stay put for a while. End of story. So when I happened upon this man from my past who came into my life at what seemed like the perfect time, I was ... taken. Caught up in a flurry of emotions and the feeling that my destiny was knocking on my door, I was smitten from the very beginning.
I had never dated a marine, and that in itself was a huge draw for me!! I was captivated -- that first night. It had been a while since I had that feeling and I was in for it, I didnt know where it would take me, but I wanted to know, I wanted to follow it and see where it would go. The fact that he was still in the marine corps and was stationed in Germany for the next 7 months was really of no importance to me at that point. I didnt care, I wanted him. I wanted us.
The next few weeks were magical, we would sit up on the phone, him in Berlin, me in the states, a 7hr time difference, and talk for hours. We talked about everything ... and nothing all at the same time, we would try to get off the phone and then find ourselves, an hour later, STILL talking! He planned a surprise vacation for us in Jan of the next year because he said that "he always wanted us to have something to look forward to!" Be still my heart!! I thought to myself, this was it! I have found my "one"! He gave me every indication that this was it for him too, and in the short time we had know eachother, he admitted to me that I had become part of his "life plan". It was easy for us, we already felt like we knew eachother because of our relationship in high school. We were familiar and that gave me such a sense of security that I let all my walls down, to a detriment, unfortunately, in the end. But still, I was an open book, completely open, no guard up, no reason to doubt where this was going.
As soon as he went back to Berlin from the states, he made up his mind that he was not going to renew his contract with the marine corps, his heart wasnt in it anymore and he was anxious to start his life, as a civilian. He put in a request for vacation, and 3 months later, he came to visit me. It was now the beginning of May. We were inseparable the entire 2 weeks he was home. We couldnt get enough! He made me breakfast and came to visit me during my lunch breaks at work. He would sit outside in his car, not doing anything, just reading, and wait for me to get off work so he could drive me home. I mean, my God, he volunteered to clean a hairy gross clump out of my shower because it was clogged!? He made me so happy, I felt that connection, the way people feel when they begin a future with together -- we talked about what we would do when he was out of the marines, about how he wanted to introduce me to his family during Christmas, and how he wanted to watch my kids for me while I went out with my friends, and how he would bring me wine and a candle whenever I wanted to take a bath ... it was perfect.
When he left, I felt that pain. The pain that I didnt want to feel, but I knew I had no choice, I was falling for this man. There was nothing I could do, I was invested.
So, back at home, alone and sad that he was gone, I decided that I wanted to take a vacation to see him. We talked about it over the next 2 weeks and finally decided that a European Vacation was in our future!! So we planned it and worked out the details, I applied for my very first passport, spent hours on the computer researching hotels and places I wanted to go. I contacted my friends who live in Dublin and they agreed to take us in for a couple days!! Everything was working out so perfectly --
It didnt really bother me that we hadnt exchanged the "L" word yet. I was positive that we were both on the same page. It did seem a little weird, tho, looking back, that I was intensely feeling it and kept wondering when he was going to tell me ... but he never did. There were plenty of opportunities. Maybe he just wasnt ready, and I would respect his boundaries. But I knew for sure, without a shadow of a doubt that on our trip, he would say it!! How perfect would it be for him to tell me he loved me when we were standing at the top of the Eiffel Tower??! Epic! I couldnt wait!
So our European vacation came and went -- dont get me wrong, we had an amazing time! He introduced me to the most important people in his life, his marine corps buddies that he was stationed with, we saw all the sights we could see, we visited old friends and saw the Atlantic Ocean from a whole new perspective, I WENT TO PARIS!! None of this could be accomplished without him ... it was only lacking one thing, my "I love you" moment. And, I had also noticed that about half way though our 2 week trip, something changed for him. I dont know what it was, maybe it was all the stress. They say that traveling is one of the most stressful things that a couple can go through. Maybe it was because we were really tired, all the traveling we were doing was taking a toll on us and our temper, and nerves were about shot by the time we got to our last stop, Paris. Of all the places for our nerves to be shot -- we went to the Eiffel Tower and had a sunset dinner on the 4th of July. This was the perfect opportunity for him to tell me. I waited and waited, nothing. I wanted to scream at him "SAY IT! TELL ME!" -- we stayed there at the top of the Eiffel Tower for almost 2hrs after dinner was over, I was waiting, I didnt want to leave, I wanted him to tell me he loved me. But he didnt. In hindsight, I think he finally realized how truly invested I really was, and that scared him -- to a point where he started to back away.
Now 7 months into our relationship, and I still didnt have firm commitment from him. But, ours was a weird, long-distance thing, so, even though I really wanted that statement, I couldnt blame him if he wasnt ready yet. I mean, of the past 7 months, although we had talked daily, exchanged emails and videos, we had actually only physically been together a total of 4 weeks. How could I blame him, right?
The next few weeks were a bit rocky, I remember sending him an email (that was the first of many) stating that I was kind of starting to feel ignored. He only had 7 more weeks in the marine corps before he was home for good, and I was starting to get the feeling that he was pulling away. I didnt know what changed, exactly, for him. But I knew something had changed. He wasnt emailing me, or making time to call me and talk for hours like we used to. Things were starting to feel distant and I didnt know what the problem was. I tried to ignore it, I tried not to take it personally, but it ate at me. I would ask him about it, and he would either get very defensive or dodge my question altogether, and say things like, "but I *was* thinking about you" or that "i was always on his mind" --ok, well, if that is the case, then get a hold of me and let me know, because I was not feeling it.
He came home on Aug 26th, I met him at the airport with his mom, step-dad and aunt. I waited to see him, knowing that he was back, and that this moment would start the rest of our lives together...I was SO excited! I couldnt wait -- to see him, to breath him in, to feel his face touching mine. When he came out of the terminal, I ran and jumped as tears rolled down my face, I grabbed him, wrapped my legs around him and kissed him with everything I had. We spent that night together and I was filled with hope that the rockiness of the past couple weeks would pass and we could start working on our relationship in real life. Finally together, after all this time.
But little did I know that the past couple weeks were just the beginning of the roller coaster our relationship was headed for. After that first night, I didnt see him again for 4 days ... and that was the beginning of our constant struggle. My struggle to be a part of his life, and his struggle to exclude me. From that point on, I questioned why he was in this relationship, and he never gave me a good reason. He hadnt told me he loved me, I felt his attachment to me deteriorating. I would question why I was in his life, he always seemed to have more important things to do other than to see me. He would make plans without me and we would struggle for control, constantly. I would blow up and get angry because he would always choose everything else over me. I saw him, at best, once a week, and he thought this was perfectly fine. I went from daily contact with him in Berlin, down to a text message *maybe* once a day, and physical contact *maybe* once a week. What happened? I felt closer to him when he was 5600 miles away!?
The first month he was back was a constant battle between him and I. I wanted to see him more, he wanted to see me less. I had been without him for the past 7 months, why didnt he want to spend more time with me?? I was so confused? I was sick of missing him, he was home now, there was no need for us to miss eachother anymore!! Yet the more we struggled, the more I questioned his commitment. I wondered what all those talks were about spending time together, going to the gym together, us watching the children and spending lazy nights on the couch together watching movies once the kids were in bed...?? Was all that a lie? I felt like I had been deceived. Like I had been played. He gave me every indication that he wanted to be in my life, and when he finally got the chance, he opted out. I felt so empty, like a big hole had been ripped out of my heart.
He was looking into school and where he wanted to go and was really excited about it! I tried to help when I could, and even made calls for him. But still, he was distant. He didnt have a job, he didnt have a car, he wasnt in school yet, he didnt have any responsibility AT ALL in his life, so the BS line he was feeding me about "being too busy" to spend time with me, was a total crock of shit. The more he pulled away, the more I tried to get him back...which really only resulted in smothering. That was my fault, I know, but how is a woman supposed to react when she sees the man she wants to be with becoming so distant that she barely recognizes who he is anymore? I wanted to break down that wall -- but instead, it drove us further apart.
He would take off on these, what I termed "escapes" -- escaping from me, escaping from our relationship, escaping from something, I dont know? He would go on these road trips, and not tell me he was leaving or where he was going. He wouldnt invite me, he would just up and go, like he had not a care in the world. I remember feeling completely worthless to be so excluded from his life that he didnt see the need to mention to me that he was going away for a week. I so desperately wanted to be included in his life. I included him in everything I did! Every plan I made, I assumed he would go with me -- and I felt as though he was purposely keeping me out of his life. I would sit there and cry for hours, just feeling pain, nothing else. Completely devastated that I had to endure another weekend without him when all I wanted to do was take him in my arms and have him close to me. The worst part was that he would come back and act like everything was ok. He wouldnt apologize, he wouldnt try to make it up to me, nothing. He usually even had the audacity to sit there and tell me what a wonderful time he had on his little escape -- while I was back at home, suffering.
He would let me down in so many ways. He no longer wanted to be a part of my childrens lives, even though he already was. He thought he would come back and would immediately fall in love with my kids -- when that didnt happen, he just decided that it wasnt worth it, and gave up trying. That was a real problem for me. I would try to get him involved with them and he refused to even attempt. We fought on this issue all the time.
He had the communication skills of a 5 year old -- we basically had no communication, and that was a problem. I tried to talk to him about what was going on and how he was feeling, but he often dodged my attempts, or acted frustrated or annoyed when I would try to get across how wrong his selfish behavior was, on so many levels. But he seemed to think nothing of it, and continued to do it. There was nothing I could to do to make him see how much he was hurting me. I tried talking to him, but it always ended up in an argument, I would write him countless emails to try to give my side of the story, but he would toss them away, unread ... nothing worked. I felt defeated. The relationship I had counted on, the man who I wanted to be with was almost unrecognizable. How could things go so horribly wrong?
We broke up for the first time just a month after he was home. I was confused and didnt really know what was happening. The reason behind that break up, was that my expectations were completely shattered. When he got home, I fully expected that we would spend a LOT of time together. I basically thought that we would be together so much that we would be moving in together by Jan 1. He had a different idea of what it would be like when he got home -- and it was that disconnect that eventually led to the break up. But, after a couple days, we confronted eachothers expectations and got back together.
Things werent perfect, but they were better. At least now I knew where he was coming from, but I still couldnt let go of all those promises I feel like he went back on. And that continued (continues) to be a problem for me. I was in the middle of training for a marathon when we had another blow out when he decided to go off on another escape without telling me and without inviting me. I was furious! How could this happen AGAIN?! We decided to take a 2 week break, where we would have limited contact and we would meet up in San Francisco, where my marathon was, and decide to either stay together or to break it off. So my marathon weekend came, we both met up in San Fran, and had an amazing time -- I mean, an AMAZING time!! I got a glimpse of the person I used to know, the person who was kind, and supportive and there for me. I was amazed at his actions, and how easily I fell back into his arms like nothing had ever been wrong! The marathon was tough, but I got through it and he was there to help me cross that finish line! I was literally on top of the world! I thought things would be better, they would be good, this person who was there for me in San Fran would come back and be the same person at home, but when we got back, it was more of the same old, same old. But we stayed together this time, I dont know why? Maybe because I didnt have anything better to do? Maybe I like suffering? What I did know was that the man who I used to know back in Berlin, back when we were happy, was in there somewhere, I got a glimpse of him in San Fran. I guess that was enough to make me stay. Hoping that that person would make a comeback, and choose to stay also.
Admittedly, each and every one of those times we broke up, I was the one who went running back. What can I say? I am weak, and he usually had some sort of point that he made that would stick out in my mind about why this was my fault and not his. And that would eat away at me. I would think, God, this *is* my fault, I am letting the best thing that ever happened to me walk away. And I would go running back. And we would try again. Each time, tho, I really truly felt like I had learned something from the previous mistake.
We broke up for a 2nd time at the end of November. This break up was different. I was dead serious about it. He had gone off on yet ANOTHER one of his escapes, and I was so sick of being treated like crap. I felt like I deserved better than that, I felt like I was worth more. I needed more. I needed a man who was ready to commit to me and was ready for a long term relationship, I mean, my God, it had almost been a year, still no "I love you", which was now becoming a huge deal to me. I felt like he always had the upper hand, I felt like I had no pull in the relationship, he held all the cards, he was the one with the power -- and as a total control freak, this was more than I could take. Relationships are supposed to be about mutual respect, intimacy on many levels and trust. None of those I believed we had. He had not let any of his walls down, in fact, he had built them up higher since he returned. He would not show me any emotional connection, he refused to open himself up to me, to be vulnerable, he would not.
So I packed up all the things he had given me and my children. The tie he bought my son to match the one he purchased for himself, the Wii game that he gave them, the Shel Silverstein books that my daughter loved, the pair of boxers I wore religiously to bed and his yellow shirt he had mailed to me from Berlin way back in Feb. Anything I could find that reminded me of him. I didnt want reminders of the man he used to be floating all around my house, in my face, reminding me of who I would miss so much. I packed all of it up, put it in a box, and asked him to meet me for lunch. I broke up with him face to face over lunch. It was hard, and awkward and I can never look at that restaurant the same way again, but I was proud of myself for being brave ... at least for the first 2 days. Then I was heartbroken, seriously heartbroken.
In spite of everything that he had done, in spite of all the pain that he put me through, all the tears I had cried when he would let me down over and over and over again, I missed him. Deeply. I couldnt get over the fact that we were "supposed" to be together, it was fate that brought us back together, how could I deny fate? I felt like I was giving up on him during a time when he needed me most of all, how could I honestly sit there and do that to the man that meant the most to me? I was distraught. What had I done? So I sent him an email. I didnt know what else to do, I was so sad and the one person who I wanted to talk to, my best friend, was the one person who I couldnt -- and I couldnt handle that. He was my hero, my soul mate, my everything for almost a year, how could I just let that history walk away? I would think back on the good times and it would make the hurt even worse. The email I sent led to an email from him, and then a phone call from me. I called him, in tears, because I needed to talk to the one person who would understand what I was going through. And he did. And of course he made me feel better, talking to him always makes me feel better. So we talked and we decided that enough was enough, that we wanted to start over. I felt an amazing sense of relief and I was happy once again.
The next 7 weeks were amazing! I let go of my expectations, I let him have his space, I reconnected with friends who I had kind of ignored for a while, I enjoyed my kids and family more than I had in months!! Everything was going great! I could see the man who I wanted, he was coming back to me! He was responsive, gentile and kind and more available, and what mattered most -- he was trying! That was worth more to me than anything, because it showed he cared. He came up to my work to put little notes and gifts on my car, he was including me, finally! Things were amazing, we werent fighting, we werent doing the roller coaster of emotions anymore, things were finally leveling off, and we were happy.
Then I asked it. The question that had been on my mind since April, from the time that I knew it, up to this point. I had to know where he stood, I deserved to know where he stood. So, on that surprise vacation he planned for us back in March, I asked him if he loved me. And he said "no". He didnt say that he was having trouble with that emotion, that he wasnt quite sure if he was there yet, not maybe, not kind of. Just "no". I was horrified, embarrassed, crushed, dumbfounded ... there are no words.
I will not stay in a relationship without love. That is not an option, that is a requirement. I asked him if he will ever love me, and he said "its possible, but not probable" which is something that he tells me when he doesnt want to tell me "no".
What do you mean, no? Things are going so well?? The past 7 weeks have been amazing, the past year of my life has been amazing! Was that all wasted time? Was this just a game to him?? I had to know. A couple days after the bomb, when we got back from our insanely awkward vacation, I decided that we could not go any further unless I had some answers. So I made a video for him, I did this because my past experiences with confronting him in person have not ended well, so I wanted to try another avenue. So I made a video of half of the conversation I needed to have with him. My half. I asked him about his "no", and pretty much everything else that had been weighing on my mind, and I told him that he needed to address this either with a video, or a face to face conversation, it didnt matter, but the other half of the conversation needed to be had. His response to my video, was an email. In the email he stated, in black and white, typed out on paper and written right out in front of me, the words I was scared to hear:
"...i don't feel that you are attacking me. it's just that i've plainly stated how i feel, what i am doing with my life (which direction it's going), and what i want out of my life right now.
i don't want you to feel like you're "waiting around" or see you hurt anymore. Step up and live your life, thats what im doing ..."
We dated in high school for a while, and then we went our separate ways for 15 years. I went off, got married, had 2 children, got divorced and had a series of relatively insignificant relationships since the divorce -- he went off, got into a bit of trouble with a little too much partying and such, but eventually saw the err of his ways and joined the marine corps.
We re-connected again last January, by chance, really, in what I considered to be a "fate" type situation. I have never been very good at the whole 'dating game' thing, most of my life has been lived in a long-term committed relationship. I never really had, or wanted, the opportunity to date very many people. I would get in a relationship, realize I was happy (enough), and stay put for a while. End of story. So when I happened upon this man from my past who came into my life at what seemed like the perfect time, I was ... taken. Caught up in a flurry of emotions and the feeling that my destiny was knocking on my door, I was smitten from the very beginning.
I had never dated a marine, and that in itself was a huge draw for me!! I was captivated -- that first night. It had been a while since I had that feeling and I was in for it, I didnt know where it would take me, but I wanted to know, I wanted to follow it and see where it would go. The fact that he was still in the marine corps and was stationed in Germany for the next 7 months was really of no importance to me at that point. I didnt care, I wanted him. I wanted us.
The next few weeks were magical, we would sit up on the phone, him in Berlin, me in the states, a 7hr time difference, and talk for hours. We talked about everything ... and nothing all at the same time, we would try to get off the phone and then find ourselves, an hour later, STILL talking! He planned a surprise vacation for us in Jan of the next year because he said that "he always wanted us to have something to look forward to!" Be still my heart!! I thought to myself, this was it! I have found my "one"! He gave me every indication that this was it for him too, and in the short time we had know eachother, he admitted to me that I had become part of his "life plan". It was easy for us, we already felt like we knew eachother because of our relationship in high school. We were familiar and that gave me such a sense of security that I let all my walls down, to a detriment, unfortunately, in the end. But still, I was an open book, completely open, no guard up, no reason to doubt where this was going.
As soon as he went back to Berlin from the states, he made up his mind that he was not going to renew his contract with the marine corps, his heart wasnt in it anymore and he was anxious to start his life, as a civilian. He put in a request for vacation, and 3 months later, he came to visit me. It was now the beginning of May. We were inseparable the entire 2 weeks he was home. We couldnt get enough! He made me breakfast and came to visit me during my lunch breaks at work. He would sit outside in his car, not doing anything, just reading, and wait for me to get off work so he could drive me home. I mean, my God, he volunteered to clean a hairy gross clump out of my shower because it was clogged!? He made me so happy, I felt that connection, the way people feel when they begin a future with together -- we talked about what we would do when he was out of the marines, about how he wanted to introduce me to his family during Christmas, and how he wanted to watch my kids for me while I went out with my friends, and how he would bring me wine and a candle whenever I wanted to take a bath ... it was perfect.
When he left, I felt that pain. The pain that I didnt want to feel, but I knew I had no choice, I was falling for this man. There was nothing I could do, I was invested.
So, back at home, alone and sad that he was gone, I decided that I wanted to take a vacation to see him. We talked about it over the next 2 weeks and finally decided that a European Vacation was in our future!! So we planned it and worked out the details, I applied for my very first passport, spent hours on the computer researching hotels and places I wanted to go. I contacted my friends who live in Dublin and they agreed to take us in for a couple days!! Everything was working out so perfectly --
It didnt really bother me that we hadnt exchanged the "L" word yet. I was positive that we were both on the same page. It did seem a little weird, tho, looking back, that I was intensely feeling it and kept wondering when he was going to tell me ... but he never did. There were plenty of opportunities. Maybe he just wasnt ready, and I would respect his boundaries. But I knew for sure, without a shadow of a doubt that on our trip, he would say it!! How perfect would it be for him to tell me he loved me when we were standing at the top of the Eiffel Tower??! Epic! I couldnt wait!
So our European vacation came and went -- dont get me wrong, we had an amazing time! He introduced me to the most important people in his life, his marine corps buddies that he was stationed with, we saw all the sights we could see, we visited old friends and saw the Atlantic Ocean from a whole new perspective, I WENT TO PARIS!! None of this could be accomplished without him ... it was only lacking one thing, my "I love you" moment. And, I had also noticed that about half way though our 2 week trip, something changed for him. I dont know what it was, maybe it was all the stress. They say that traveling is one of the most stressful things that a couple can go through. Maybe it was because we were really tired, all the traveling we were doing was taking a toll on us and our temper, and nerves were about shot by the time we got to our last stop, Paris. Of all the places for our nerves to be shot -- we went to the Eiffel Tower and had a sunset dinner on the 4th of July. This was the perfect opportunity for him to tell me. I waited and waited, nothing. I wanted to scream at him "SAY IT! TELL ME!" -- we stayed there at the top of the Eiffel Tower for almost 2hrs after dinner was over, I was waiting, I didnt want to leave, I wanted him to tell me he loved me. But he didnt. In hindsight, I think he finally realized how truly invested I really was, and that scared him -- to a point where he started to back away.
Now 7 months into our relationship, and I still didnt have firm commitment from him. But, ours was a weird, long-distance thing, so, even though I really wanted that statement, I couldnt blame him if he wasnt ready yet. I mean, of the past 7 months, although we had talked daily, exchanged emails and videos, we had actually only physically been together a total of 4 weeks. How could I blame him, right?
The next few weeks were a bit rocky, I remember sending him an email (that was the first of many) stating that I was kind of starting to feel ignored. He only had 7 more weeks in the marine corps before he was home for good, and I was starting to get the feeling that he was pulling away. I didnt know what changed, exactly, for him. But I knew something had changed. He wasnt emailing me, or making time to call me and talk for hours like we used to. Things were starting to feel distant and I didnt know what the problem was. I tried to ignore it, I tried not to take it personally, but it ate at me. I would ask him about it, and he would either get very defensive or dodge my question altogether, and say things like, "but I *was* thinking about you" or that "i was always on his mind" --ok, well, if that is the case, then get a hold of me and let me know, because I was not feeling it.
He came home on Aug 26th, I met him at the airport with his mom, step-dad and aunt. I waited to see him, knowing that he was back, and that this moment would start the rest of our lives together...I was SO excited! I couldnt wait -- to see him, to breath him in, to feel his face touching mine. When he came out of the terminal, I ran and jumped as tears rolled down my face, I grabbed him, wrapped my legs around him and kissed him with everything I had. We spent that night together and I was filled with hope that the rockiness of the past couple weeks would pass and we could start working on our relationship in real life. Finally together, after all this time.
But little did I know that the past couple weeks were just the beginning of the roller coaster our relationship was headed for. After that first night, I didnt see him again for 4 days ... and that was the beginning of our constant struggle. My struggle to be a part of his life, and his struggle to exclude me. From that point on, I questioned why he was in this relationship, and he never gave me a good reason. He hadnt told me he loved me, I felt his attachment to me deteriorating. I would question why I was in his life, he always seemed to have more important things to do other than to see me. He would make plans without me and we would struggle for control, constantly. I would blow up and get angry because he would always choose everything else over me. I saw him, at best, once a week, and he thought this was perfectly fine. I went from daily contact with him in Berlin, down to a text message *maybe* once a day, and physical contact *maybe* once a week. What happened? I felt closer to him when he was 5600 miles away!?
The first month he was back was a constant battle between him and I. I wanted to see him more, he wanted to see me less. I had been without him for the past 7 months, why didnt he want to spend more time with me?? I was so confused? I was sick of missing him, he was home now, there was no need for us to miss eachother anymore!! Yet the more we struggled, the more I questioned his commitment. I wondered what all those talks were about spending time together, going to the gym together, us watching the children and spending lazy nights on the couch together watching movies once the kids were in bed...?? Was all that a lie? I felt like I had been deceived. Like I had been played. He gave me every indication that he wanted to be in my life, and when he finally got the chance, he opted out. I felt so empty, like a big hole had been ripped out of my heart.
He was looking into school and where he wanted to go and was really excited about it! I tried to help when I could, and even made calls for him. But still, he was distant. He didnt have a job, he didnt have a car, he wasnt in school yet, he didnt have any responsibility AT ALL in his life, so the BS line he was feeding me about "being too busy" to spend time with me, was a total crock of shit. The more he pulled away, the more I tried to get him back...which really only resulted in smothering. That was my fault, I know, but how is a woman supposed to react when she sees the man she wants to be with becoming so distant that she barely recognizes who he is anymore? I wanted to break down that wall -- but instead, it drove us further apart.
He would take off on these, what I termed "escapes" -- escaping from me, escaping from our relationship, escaping from something, I dont know? He would go on these road trips, and not tell me he was leaving or where he was going. He wouldnt invite me, he would just up and go, like he had not a care in the world. I remember feeling completely worthless to be so excluded from his life that he didnt see the need to mention to me that he was going away for a week. I so desperately wanted to be included in his life. I included him in everything I did! Every plan I made, I assumed he would go with me -- and I felt as though he was purposely keeping me out of his life. I would sit there and cry for hours, just feeling pain, nothing else. Completely devastated that I had to endure another weekend without him when all I wanted to do was take him in my arms and have him close to me. The worst part was that he would come back and act like everything was ok. He wouldnt apologize, he wouldnt try to make it up to me, nothing. He usually even had the audacity to sit there and tell me what a wonderful time he had on his little escape -- while I was back at home, suffering.
He would let me down in so many ways. He no longer wanted to be a part of my childrens lives, even though he already was. He thought he would come back and would immediately fall in love with my kids -- when that didnt happen, he just decided that it wasnt worth it, and gave up trying. That was a real problem for me. I would try to get him involved with them and he refused to even attempt. We fought on this issue all the time.
He had the communication skills of a 5 year old -- we basically had no communication, and that was a problem. I tried to talk to him about what was going on and how he was feeling, but he often dodged my attempts, or acted frustrated or annoyed when I would try to get across how wrong his selfish behavior was, on so many levels. But he seemed to think nothing of it, and continued to do it. There was nothing I could to do to make him see how much he was hurting me. I tried talking to him, but it always ended up in an argument, I would write him countless emails to try to give my side of the story, but he would toss them away, unread ... nothing worked. I felt defeated. The relationship I had counted on, the man who I wanted to be with was almost unrecognizable. How could things go so horribly wrong?
We broke up for the first time just a month after he was home. I was confused and didnt really know what was happening. The reason behind that break up, was that my expectations were completely shattered. When he got home, I fully expected that we would spend a LOT of time together. I basically thought that we would be together so much that we would be moving in together by Jan 1. He had a different idea of what it would be like when he got home -- and it was that disconnect that eventually led to the break up. But, after a couple days, we confronted eachothers expectations and got back together.
Things werent perfect, but they were better. At least now I knew where he was coming from, but I still couldnt let go of all those promises I feel like he went back on. And that continued (continues) to be a problem for me. I was in the middle of training for a marathon when we had another blow out when he decided to go off on another escape without telling me and without inviting me. I was furious! How could this happen AGAIN?! We decided to take a 2 week break, where we would have limited contact and we would meet up in San Francisco, where my marathon was, and decide to either stay together or to break it off. So my marathon weekend came, we both met up in San Fran, and had an amazing time -- I mean, an AMAZING time!! I got a glimpse of the person I used to know, the person who was kind, and supportive and there for me. I was amazed at his actions, and how easily I fell back into his arms like nothing had ever been wrong! The marathon was tough, but I got through it and he was there to help me cross that finish line! I was literally on top of the world! I thought things would be better, they would be good, this person who was there for me in San Fran would come back and be the same person at home, but when we got back, it was more of the same old, same old. But we stayed together this time, I dont know why? Maybe because I didnt have anything better to do? Maybe I like suffering? What I did know was that the man who I used to know back in Berlin, back when we were happy, was in there somewhere, I got a glimpse of him in San Fran. I guess that was enough to make me stay. Hoping that that person would make a comeback, and choose to stay also.
Admittedly, each and every one of those times we broke up, I was the one who went running back. What can I say? I am weak, and he usually had some sort of point that he made that would stick out in my mind about why this was my fault and not his. And that would eat away at me. I would think, God, this *is* my fault, I am letting the best thing that ever happened to me walk away. And I would go running back. And we would try again. Each time, tho, I really truly felt like I had learned something from the previous mistake.
We broke up for a 2nd time at the end of November. This break up was different. I was dead serious about it. He had gone off on yet ANOTHER one of his escapes, and I was so sick of being treated like crap. I felt like I deserved better than that, I felt like I was worth more. I needed more. I needed a man who was ready to commit to me and was ready for a long term relationship, I mean, my God, it had almost been a year, still no "I love you", which was now becoming a huge deal to me. I felt like he always had the upper hand, I felt like I had no pull in the relationship, he held all the cards, he was the one with the power -- and as a total control freak, this was more than I could take. Relationships are supposed to be about mutual respect, intimacy on many levels and trust. None of those I believed we had. He had not let any of his walls down, in fact, he had built them up higher since he returned. He would not show me any emotional connection, he refused to open himself up to me, to be vulnerable, he would not.
So I packed up all the things he had given me and my children. The tie he bought my son to match the one he purchased for himself, the Wii game that he gave them, the Shel Silverstein books that my daughter loved, the pair of boxers I wore religiously to bed and his yellow shirt he had mailed to me from Berlin way back in Feb. Anything I could find that reminded me of him. I didnt want reminders of the man he used to be floating all around my house, in my face, reminding me of who I would miss so much. I packed all of it up, put it in a box, and asked him to meet me for lunch. I broke up with him face to face over lunch. It was hard, and awkward and I can never look at that restaurant the same way again, but I was proud of myself for being brave ... at least for the first 2 days. Then I was heartbroken, seriously heartbroken.
In spite of everything that he had done, in spite of all the pain that he put me through, all the tears I had cried when he would let me down over and over and over again, I missed him. Deeply. I couldnt get over the fact that we were "supposed" to be together, it was fate that brought us back together, how could I deny fate? I felt like I was giving up on him during a time when he needed me most of all, how could I honestly sit there and do that to the man that meant the most to me? I was distraught. What had I done? So I sent him an email. I didnt know what else to do, I was so sad and the one person who I wanted to talk to, my best friend, was the one person who I couldnt -- and I couldnt handle that. He was my hero, my soul mate, my everything for almost a year, how could I just let that history walk away? I would think back on the good times and it would make the hurt even worse. The email I sent led to an email from him, and then a phone call from me. I called him, in tears, because I needed to talk to the one person who would understand what I was going through. And he did. And of course he made me feel better, talking to him always makes me feel better. So we talked and we decided that enough was enough, that we wanted to start over. I felt an amazing sense of relief and I was happy once again.
The next 7 weeks were amazing! I let go of my expectations, I let him have his space, I reconnected with friends who I had kind of ignored for a while, I enjoyed my kids and family more than I had in months!! Everything was going great! I could see the man who I wanted, he was coming back to me! He was responsive, gentile and kind and more available, and what mattered most -- he was trying! That was worth more to me than anything, because it showed he cared. He came up to my work to put little notes and gifts on my car, he was including me, finally! Things were amazing, we werent fighting, we werent doing the roller coaster of emotions anymore, things were finally leveling off, and we were happy.
Then I asked it. The question that had been on my mind since April, from the time that I knew it, up to this point. I had to know where he stood, I deserved to know where he stood. So, on that surprise vacation he planned for us back in March, I asked him if he loved me. And he said "no". He didnt say that he was having trouble with that emotion, that he wasnt quite sure if he was there yet, not maybe, not kind of. Just "no". I was horrified, embarrassed, crushed, dumbfounded ... there are no words.
I will not stay in a relationship without love. That is not an option, that is a requirement. I asked him if he will ever love me, and he said "its possible, but not probable" which is something that he tells me when he doesnt want to tell me "no".
What do you mean, no? Things are going so well?? The past 7 weeks have been amazing, the past year of my life has been amazing! Was that all wasted time? Was this just a game to him?? I had to know. A couple days after the bomb, when we got back from our insanely awkward vacation, I decided that we could not go any further unless I had some answers. So I made a video for him, I did this because my past experiences with confronting him in person have not ended well, so I wanted to try another avenue. So I made a video of half of the conversation I needed to have with him. My half. I asked him about his "no", and pretty much everything else that had been weighing on my mind, and I told him that he needed to address this either with a video, or a face to face conversation, it didnt matter, but the other half of the conversation needed to be had. His response to my video, was an email. In the email he stated, in black and white, typed out on paper and written right out in front of me, the words I was scared to hear:
"...i don't feel that you are attacking me. it's just that i've plainly stated how i feel, what i am doing with my life (which direction it's going), and what i want out of my life right now.
beating the dead horse isn't my game. it's yours. i've explicitly stated that ...
1) i don't see us becoming a "long term" thing (i.e. no marriage or being together years+ from now).
2) i don't "love" you (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
3) each of the 3 times prior (2? 4?) we broke up, i told you the 100% truth about all of the above
i don't want you to feel like you're "waiting around" or see you hurt anymore. Step up and live your life, thats what im doing ..."
Really?? That selfish, self-righteous bastard. Its bad enough that he doesnt love me (note the wiki link), but now, he ALSO doesnt see us together long-term?? So -- yes, to answer my own question, I guess I have wasted a year of my life, and I guess a year doesnt constitute a "long-term thing". Fuck him. Too bad he had NEVER, ever, even once told me about these feelings. What happened to me being part of his life plan? I guess his life plan ends at 30yrs old -- that doesnt indicate a long-term thing? What about making plans in March for a trip the following January -- I guess that doesnt indicate a long-term thing either. Clearly he has had no intention of me being in his life, huh? -- way to contradict yourself. And thanks for filling me in when that changed.
He stripped me of so many things over the past couple of months as he pulled away from me, and now he capped it all off by taking away the one thing that I held onto for dear life, his love.
He stripped me of so many things over the past couple of months as he pulled away from me, and now he capped it all off by taking away the one thing that I held onto for dear life, his love.
So, of course, my response to that was:
"I want you out of my life. Game over."
That was 7 days ago. So here I am. Heartbroken and without resolve. Why cant he meet me in the middle? How do you tell someone who you have been with the past year that you dont love them and dont see them as a viable option for a long term relationship? Who does that?? Yet I still miss him. I have gone through every emotion imaginable this past week:
- hate, because I hate the words he said to me
- love, because even though he doesnt love me, I do love him
- sadness, because I am grieving the loss of our relationship that I thought would stand the test of time, the relationship that I thought was "the one". I am truly heartbroken.
- embarrassment, how could I continue to run back to him
- happiness and relief that I dont have to deal with him any more
- disgust, because he used me and I feel worthless
- anger, Oh boy am I angry!! How could he set me up for failure like this?
- fear, most of all fear, because I am uncertain about my future -- and I still want him in it, and that scares me
Honestly, sometimes I will experience ALL these emotions in less than an hour's time. How can I be so all over the map? Which is why I have decided to start this blog. I feel that if I can get these emotions out on paper, maybe that will help me work though this....
We shall see.
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