Day 10

I spent last weekend in a half-and-half mode.  Half the time I was plotting and scheming, dreaming up magnificent ways in which to get him back.  The other half of the time, I was trying to escape my sadness.  Ive decided that a trip to San Fran to visit one of my best friends is in high order.  It seems that every time I have a significant life change, I escape to San Fran and that brings me some peace -- and a good dose of perspective.


Last time I was there, I completed a marathon (which we ran together).  The time before that, I had just been let go from a job that I loved.  Being there with her always makes me feel wanted and powerful -- in a very feministic, positive self-worth way.  She is the epitome of an independent, strong, successful woman, and her strength inspires me.  When she was dating, she never called the guys, she let them call her.  She would never be caught dead running back to someone.  Her philosophy was (is) that if a man wanted her bad enough, he would have to work to get her.  I love that about her!!  Luckily, she found a man who was willing to put in the work.  She always tries to get me to see life from that perspective, and I want to ... its just hard for me to throw the emotional side of me to the wind.  A very big problem I have is that I get emotionally attached very, VERY easily.  This is an issue for me, I know it.  I have done this with all my relationships since my divorce.  Its not that I dont think Im worth anything, because I know I have a lot (A LOT) to offer, I just am very idealistic, and have a romanticized view of life (and love) -- and, to a fault, believe in true love.  So when I find someone who fits my ideal, I hold onto it with EVERYTHING I have, and have a very hard time letting go ... even when the writing is on the wall (or in the email, in this case).


I spent some much needed 'girl time' time with another one of my good friends this weekend.  I feel so blessed to have people in my life that continue to support me and give me a shoulder to cry on, even though they have every right to say "I told you so" -- they never would.  I spent Sat night surrounded by a best friend, bottles of wine, chinese food, ice cream, angry birds on ps3 ... and Zombieland!!


Today I feel better.  I am really trying to focus more on the things that didnt go so great in my relationship, and there were plenty of those.  I get sad when I look back and I see all the happy times we had (there were plenty of those too) but what I am starting to see is that even tho there were a lot of good times, I dont know if they outweigh the bad.  The good times were good, but the bad times were really, Really, REALLY bad.  The whole 2nd half of our relationship was spent on a roller coaster of super high high's and super low low's.  Does one outweigh the other?  I dont know yet?

Day 8

I have been having these weird dreams.  Dreams about my teeth and hair falling out.  Me, not being one to put much stock in dreams, usually would think nothing of this.  But, given my situation, I have tried to analyze, over-analyze and re-analyze these in hopes that maybe my subconscious might have more insight than I do.


From what I can extrapolate from the many sources I have researched (ahem, google) dreams like these usually mean that you feel like youre losing control.  Maybe I should put more stock in dreams ... this is exactly what I am feeling.  


Today is a Saturday, and I woke up in a total funk.  I didnt have any weird dreams last night, but for some reason I woke up this morning in tears.  Maybe all of this is becoming all too real to me now.  I have broken out in tears 3 times already this morning ... and its not even 10am yet.


Over the past week I have scoured the internet for songs that might give me some peace, some sense of validation in my decision to end this with him (We Belong, Pat Benatar | The Promise, When in Rome | Hold you in my Arms, Ray LaMontagne) ...or for some glimmer of hope that we might work this out.  I mean, he doesnt love me, after an entire year!?  Shouldnt that be a big enough red flag for me to move on already?  Why is that so hard for me to come to terms with?


This is ridiculous!  All I want is for him to burst though my door with flowers and his big beautiful smile and tell me how sorry he is and how he wants me back.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Even after everything, how can I still want that??


Every time I look outside my back window, I look for his car in my driveway, every time my phone chimes, I think it *might* be him text messaging me and telling me that he wants me back.


You know whats even worse?  Knowing that there is not a chance in hell that any of the above would actually happen.  Not even a remote chance that he would admit that he was wrong, tell me that I am the best thing in his life and come crawling back to me.  The only way we would connect again, is if I gave in.  Why am I so weak??  What is it about him that makes me want to crawl back into his arms and feel safety once again?


I am seriously pathetic.