I spent last weekend in a half-and-half mode. Half the time I was plotting and scheming, dreaming up magnificent ways in which to get him back. The other half of the time, I was trying to escape my sadness. Ive decided that a trip to San Fran to visit one of my best friends is in high order. It seems that every time I have a significant life change, I escape to San Fran and that brings me some peace -- and a good dose of perspective.
Last time I was there, I completed a marathon (which we ran together). The time before that, I had just been let go from a job that I loved. Being there with her always makes me feel wanted and powerful -- in a very feministic, positive self-worth way. She is the epitome of an independent, strong, successful woman, and her strength inspires me. When she was dating, she never called the guys, she let them call her. She would never be caught dead running back to someone. Her philosophy was (is) that if a man wanted her bad enough, he would have to work to get her. I love that about her!! Luckily, she found a man who was willing to put in the work. She always tries to get me to see life from that perspective, and I want to ... its just hard for me to throw the emotional side of me to the wind. A very big problem I have is that I get emotionally attached very, VERY easily. This is an issue for me, I know it. I have done this with all my relationships since my divorce. Its not that I dont think Im worth anything, because I know I have a lot (A LOT) to offer, I just am very idealistic, and have a romanticized view of life (and love) -- and, to a fault, believe in true love. So when I find someone who fits my ideal, I hold onto it with EVERYTHING I have, and have a very hard time letting go ... even when the writing is on the wall (or in the email, in this case).
I spent some much needed 'girl time' time with another one of my good friends this weekend. I feel so blessed to have people in my life that continue to support me and give me a shoulder to cry on, even though they have every right to say "I told you so" -- they never would. I spent Sat night surrounded by a best friend, bottles of wine, chinese food, ice cream, angry birds on ps3 ... and Zombieland!!
Today I feel better. I am really trying to focus more on the things that didnt go so great in my relationship, and there were plenty of those. I get sad when I look back and I see all the happy times we had (there were plenty of those too) but what I am starting to see is that even tho there were a lot of good times, I dont know if they outweigh the bad. The good times were good, but the bad times were really, Really, REALLY bad. The whole 2nd half of our relationship was spent on a roller coaster of super high high's and super low low's. Does one outweigh the other? I dont know yet?
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