I have been having these weird dreams. Dreams about my teeth and hair falling out. Me, not being one to put much stock in dreams, usually would think nothing of this. But, given my situation, I have tried to analyze, over-analyze and re-analyze these in hopes that maybe my subconscious might have more insight than I do.
From what I can extrapolate from the many sources I have researched (ahem, google) dreams like these usually mean that you feel like youre losing control. Maybe I should put more stock in dreams ... this is exactly what I am feeling.
Today is a Saturday, and I woke up in a total funk. I didnt have any weird dreams last night, but for some reason I woke up this morning in tears. Maybe all of this is becoming all too real to me now. I have broken out in tears 3 times already this morning ... and its not even 10am yet.
Over the past week I have scoured the internet for songs that might give me some peace, some sense of validation in my decision to end this with him (We Belong, Pat Benatar | The Promise, When in Rome | Hold you in my Arms, Ray LaMontagne) ...or for some glimmer of hope that we might work this out. I mean, he doesnt love me, after an entire year!? Shouldnt that be a big enough red flag for me to move on already? Why is that so hard for me to come to terms with?
This is ridiculous! All I want is for him to burst though my door with flowers and his big beautiful smile and tell me how sorry he is and how he wants me back. What the hell is wrong with me? Even after everything, how can I still want that??
Every time I look outside my back window, I look for his car in my driveway, every time my phone chimes, I think it *might* be him text messaging me and telling me that he wants me back.
You know whats even worse? Knowing that there is not a chance in hell that any of the above would actually happen. Not even a remote chance that he would admit that he was wrong, tell me that I am the best thing in his life and come crawling back to me. The only way we would connect again, is if I gave in. Why am I so weak?? What is it about him that makes me want to crawl back into his arms and feel safety once again?
I am seriously pathetic.
While moving hard is never easy and sometimes giving in seems like the way to go...don't do it, Michelle. You are a strong, amazing woman with so much to offer to any guy. If he doesn't want to show you respect and love and share your life with you and your kiddos...definitely move on. I'm praying for you, dear.
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