Sometimes I get myself into a tizzy because of tiny details, things he did say (or write) things he didnt say (or write). Sometimes I think im my own worst enemy. The day after I received that vague email, he sent me another email with exact times and days that he was avail to get together. He said that he didnt want to give me any dates until he knew what his schedule was for sure. With me, I think I have learned that no information is better than vague information. Im definitely going to have to pass this tip along to those I meet along the way.
So, we had lunch today. This was after a very short, but sweet txt message conversation yesterday. Out of the blue, he sends me a text message saying that he was going through his camera and he found some pictures of me, apparently, that I had taken "for him"!? Me, having the worlds worst memory, didnt remember these pics at all, I couldnt even recall when about they would have been taken ... at any rate, we bantered back and forth about it for a good 30 minutes. It was short sweet and lightened things up a bit. Sometimes I do tend to be a little too serious. He really makes me realize that life doesnt have to be SO dramatic ALL the time. Even if im in the worst of moods, he can make me crack a smile -- i used to get SO mad at him when he would do this, but now I appreciate the reasoning behind it. That is his way of bringing me back down to earth when I am on some crazy rampage, its his way of calming me, and the situation, down. The one thing I have learned through all this is that I take myself too seriously. Every decision doesnt have to be make or break, every situation doesnt have to be do or die.
Back to lunch. I was surprised that I was so freakin nervous as I made my way there!? That really caught me off guard, because I DONT get nervous about that kind of stuff, but I guess I didnt really know what to expect. And there is just so much history between us ... and to be honest, I am scared to death that I am going to get hurt again. So -- what am I doing? Why am I meeting him for lunch? Am I taking steps backwards? Am I trying to get back together with him? Can he be the man who is ready to be there for me, to step up? Am I ready to relax and not rush things so much? Can we let go of our constant power struggle and learn to live as a couple and give up our selfish behavior? I honestly dont know, but I think thats the point of this whole "talk" day. To find out where we are, and what we want.
My perspective has really changed since my trip to San Fran. I feel like I have a lot to offer and I feel like he never appreciated any of it, at least not in the time hes been home. I feel like I deserve more and this time, I *REALLY* feel it. For the first time I feel like if we didnt get back together I would be ok. That is a huge place for me to come to. In the 6 weeks we've been apart, I have learned so much about what I want, what I need, what I deserve ... and what I did wrong. Its funny tho, when I see him, my heart just jumps out of my chest, a huge ridiculous smile comes across my face and I want to stay with him. Is it bad that I wish he would come over this weekend and spend more time with me? Anyway, lunch was good! As soon as I saw him, all my nerves were gone and that familiar goofy smile rolled across my face, and didnt leave for the entire lunch. We ate pizza, talked about how things were going in our lives, I told him stories of Napa and things that have happened since the break -- we even talked a little bit about our so-called "dating" life. Ha! But, most of all, I was just really happy to see him and be with him. His hair was longer and actually had a little bit of a style to it, his smile, tho, was the exact same. He has the best smile I have ever seen. *sigh At one point, we got into this line of questions where he was talking about things that hes missed out on, in life in general b/c of being over seas. So I asked him what he missed about being over seas. His answer: me. He said he missed going on vacation with me and waiting for me to get there, that the only time he came back to the states was to see me. This is true. In the 6 years he was over seas, he never came home, except when he met me -- then he was home all the time. It shocked me that of all the things he could have remembered about being over seas, I would be the thing that stands out. He might have just been trying to play to my emotions, or he may have just said that to convey the fact that I was an important part of his life at one point. Either way, whether true or not, it was really sweet.
We set a date to have our "talk". 1 week from today, next Fri. I am excited to see how it all plays out. Like I said, at this point, I could honestly be happy either way -- and that is a good place to be!
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