Wow. How much a week and a weekend away can change your perspective ... I highly recommend it if you are going through a similar situation! I got back on Monday from my girls weekend in San Fran. What surprised me was how much I *didnt* think about him while I was away.
Before I left, a few emails were exchanged and I even ended up going over to his house after I received a reply from him that was particularly heartfelt. It really caught be me by surprise when he wrote: "so i'm sorry for not being there for you when we were in a relationship, and i'm sorry for trying to be there for you when we weren't."
For whatever reason, this sentence along with others similar to it, really pulled me into this emotional spiral where I felt like I needed to go to him and see him. So I did. I left work, drove over to his house, not really knowing why I was going over there, but I was shaking. Nervous about what I was doing, scared that I was putting myself out there again, anxious because it had been so long since I had seen him, excited because I was going to see him ... terrified because I might face rejection again. So I knocked on his door and when he opened it, he was genuinely shocked to see me. So I walked in and we stood in an embrace for more than 5 minutes. No words, just standing there breathing together, locked around one another. It was as if all the stress of the past 5 weeks was eliminated by just that one moment. I told him that I didnt quite know why I had come, but, good or bad, I felt compelled to see him.
So we sat down and talked. I told him that I was miserable, and he didnt really believe me. I guess he still sees me as this strong person who is bigger than this, a person who can just dust it off, pick herself back up and find the missing pieces as soon as the dust settles. Little does he know really how torn I am. It always amazes me that I am so weak when it comes to my romantic relationships, but so strong in so many other areas of my life. Wonders never cease to amaze me. Anyway, in our discussion, we tried to answer the question: What do we do now? I had no idea. He had no idea. But we kind of came to a conclusion that we both could live with: we should set a date, about a month away, and have a date, per say, to kind of see where we are. This really wasnt my favorite idea, but I didnt have any other suggestions at the time, so I agreed to it. He wanted to wait a month mostly because he wanted me to have some time to be apart from him. For him, it would be the easy route to just get back together, to enjoy all the good times again -- but that wasnt the point. He was worried that while we were busy being young and dumb and going back and forth between fighting and being a couple, that I might miss out on a really good guy. He said that I can forgive him for a lot of things, but he has had his chance with me, a few of them -- and he's blown it, every time. So he told me that if I missed out on a really good guy because of him, he could never forgive himself. But we decided to see what happenes, so we kind of set an arbitrary date and I left his place and went back to work.
I felt really calm and surprisingly relieved. When I got home that evening, he sent me an email saying that seeing me was hard. He reinforced the fact that he didnt want me to miss out on a good guy because I was with "a 30 year old unemployed college student". This really caught me off guard. I have struggled with this in the past, kind of giving up my dream, so to speak, of finding a guy with a good career, who has his life in order and was financially stable. But, I have faced that demon, and have decided that it really is not a factor for me. It shocked me, tho, that he brought it up. I didnt really know what to think about it, he had never referred to himself like that before.
So, I thought about it. And the one thing that kept weighing on me, was that if we were to get back together, all those issues that we used to have -- they would resurface, for sure. So, I had an idea. What if we sat down, have a heart to heart talk, and face all those issues that have been weighing us down? What if we lay everything out on the table and just face them? If we address everything that keeps coming up over and over and over again, and make peace with it, then we can decide what to do. Make a grown up, adult decision to either be together, or remain apart. We can make that decision not out of anger or because we are fighting, but because its what we both want. We really need to sit down and define the relationship. So, the day that I left for San Fran, I sent him the email that laid out my plan. I didnt know what he would think about it, because it would force him to face all those issues that we had been hiding behind, bringing everything out from under the covers and really digging deep into why things had gone so horribly wrong. I didnt know if he would be up for that much emotional vulnerability, but I received a reply email the next day. It was very short, simple and sweet -- and it was exactly what I needed to hear. "i think that is a good idea. if you want to, i want to."
So I went on my trip, it was one of the most amazing, relaxing and calming experiences I have ever had! 4 good friends, 3 days, 8 wineries, over 200 tastings, good food, and so much "me" time.
I really didnt think too much about what was going on outside of what I was doing that weekend. Even at night, when I did have time to think, I really didnt think too much about what was going on between me and him. It felt good to have weekend where thoughts of him didnt consume my life, it was the first time in a long time that I had that freedom ... and I basked in it!
He sent me 2 more emails while I was gone, nothing huge, just little notes that wished me well on my trip and such. It was so nice to hear from him, but I didnt want to spoil it with a whole bunch of responses back and forth, so I didnt really respond to him while I was away. I did, however, send him an email the day after I got back, yesterday. I told him that I wanted to call him when I got home, but I didnt. I said that I wanted to set up lunch this week to sort of set a time to have our "define the relationship" talk, that I hoped he had a really good weekend and that I hoped to talk to him soon. His response to that was vague, which is a little frustrating, but im hoping that he maybe just needs some time to mull things over. I have a good feeling about it tho, and I stay hopeful. We shall see.
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