Ok, so I need a game plan for Friday. So many thing have been running through my head this weekend. Things about the importance of certain times in our relationship, and those that I viewed as important, but in retrospect, were more trivial than anything else. I am caught between his words that he wrote me on that terrible night weeks ago, and the promise that we can work through this, and with time, that we can grow this into a loving, lasting, working relationship. Something that is real, not just made up in my head. But I wonder if he is ready to love me as much as I want to love him -- Can he give me the support and commitment I need? Can I give him the time and patience he needs to find that love?
Its interesting. I remember when he was away, we would continuously pat ourselves on the back and talk about how what we had was a real, grow-up relationship, one that worked and was healthy. But looking back, that was just not the case. Its easy to be considerate and kind and not get upset about stupid everyday stuff when someone is not there all the time. Its when they come back, and ARE around, that shit hits the fan. Thats when you find out if things are "real" and "grown-up" and that is really when the whole "healthy" part can be determined. We never had that. I dont think our relationship ever fell into that whole "healthy" category. We thought that we had already finished the race when we were still standing at the starting line. I wonder if we can mesh our lives together? We've never done that. I dont know if he really knows how ... not in a bad way, just in the way that hes never done it before. He has absolutely no experience with it, ever, in his adult life (and I was not a very good teacher). Hes never had to coordinate schedules and consider another persons feelings when he makes plans. Then you throw in the kids, and -- my God, no wonder he wanted to run the opposite direction!? Its like the blind leading the blind here. We're both terrible at this!
Hes terrible at being in a relationship in just the opposite way as me. All Ive ever known was how to be in a relationship, a long-term committed relationship. I dont know how to separate myself from that long-term objective and the dating-phase-we-dont-know-yet thing. Ive been married since I was 21, I had been with the same guy for 5 years prior to getting married to him. I dont know what im doing, I dont know how to do it, and I sure as hell have failed quite a few times.
Learning experiences.
So now im just depending on me, and the talk with him. We need to straighten a lot of things out, we need to get a lot of stuff on the table and sort through, organize ... and shred before he and I can move on at all. Whether I want that or not ... Do I want to be with him? Maybe -- but I feel like I might always be looking over my shoulder waiting for him to abandon me again, I feel like his words are tattooed on my back and will remain there for a long while before they fade, if they ever do. Can a relationship so fragile and beaten-down survive with those things looming over our heads? Do I want that for myself? Do I want that for him? It seems like more questions just keep spewing out of my mouth! Has enough time passed? Has the door been closed long enough for him to realize what he had? For me to realize what I had, and to respect it, and not try to smother it?
The only way I'll ever know is to talk to him, and possibly let go, I mean, TRULY let go of a lot of anger, resentment, broken promises and expectations that never came to light. As bad as this sounds, a lot of that is going to depend on how much he can shed light on a lot of things that went wrong. How much he can open up to me and, for lack of a better word, prove to me that he is ready to man up. I am just dying to know his perspective and what he has learned. I really am ready, and part of me is excited (the other part of me is terrified), to tell him everything that I have learned. To breathe a big sigh of relief and just let everything out. For me, this will be freeing.
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