Something has changed in the past couple days for me. I feel like I am finally starting to separate myself from all the "together" memories that I envisioned for us. I am learning to do things on my own again -- well, not really learning again, more like remembering how to do things without including him in every future plan I make. Not gonna lie, it kind of hurts. But I have decided that I need to move on. Last night I spent a lot of time thinking back and remembering how many times he made me feel uncomfortable, how many times I sat back and cried because he refused to give me what I needed -- not because he couldnt, but because he didnt want to. There is a big difference there. I would outright tell him, THIS IS WHAT I NEED, and he would look me strait in the face, and say "no". How can someone be so selfish? It is hard for me to understand because I would have done anything for him, gone anywhere with him, made good on any promise I made to him ... and all he could give me was "no".
I felt like I faced so much rejection from him in those last few months. Almost to the point where I was scared to contact him if I had something I needed to ask him. Even if it was just something as simple as 'do you want to come over and hang out with me'. Most of the time I just wouldnt ask, but if I did finally work up the guts to make the call, I would have to give myself a pep-talk -- to prepare myself for the inevitable "no" that was coming. Feeling like I was always one phone call away from a "no" was torture. I felt so much rejection from him, ick, I can still feel the pain.
So I have to ask myself, is that the person who I want in my future? Do I really want this person in my life, in my childrens lives, in the lives of my family and friends? I feel like I am holding on to this person who I envisioned in my head, whether made up or not, that person was very real to me. The person who I thought he was, the person who he gave me every indication that he was when he was so far away -- was not the person he turned out to be. I feel like I was seriously misled, I feel like that person is in there somewhere, but has disappeared, vanished into thin air on the plane ride from Berlin to StL. I am grieving the loss not of the person who he is, but the person who I thought he was. The person who I know exists somewhere within his current form, but has been suppressed at a time when I needed him the most. If he could not return to that person, if he couldnt put aside his selfishness for just one moment in spite of seeing how hurt I was, knowing how much sadness he was causing me, then I dont want him in my life anyway.
I feel like I need to start accepting the fact that we wont be getting back together. I feel like up until now, I have been waiting on some kind of resolution from him. But why do I have to be the one to wait for him to tell me he doesnt want me? I almost want to hear from him so I can throw it back in his face and say, "Screw you buddy! You had your chance, I was willing to talk about it, was willing to work it out when you left that note on my car -- but you didnt do anything about it, you didnt do anything after that!? You had my attention, but you have since lost it." Im done waiting on him to tell me how to feel, I have decided how I want to feel. I want to feel good about myself again, the way his alter ego made me feel just a year ago. I have decided to stop letting his actions, or lack of actions, rule my life. I need to move on.
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