Day 23

I keep having such mixed emotions about this.  One second, I am empowered, strong and am ready to move on.  The next second, I am missing him, crushed about my future without him and want him back.  I really dont know which way to turn.


I got my hair done yesterday and my hairdresser, God bless her, I dont know what I would do without her.  She is my connection to reality when all I want to do is live in la-la land.  She gives it to me straight and doesnt beat around the bush.  She has a completely outside perspective and always has good insight into why guys do what they do.  When things were rocky before, she actually confessed to me that this was was the happiest that she had ever seen me, and that all the smothering I was doing was driving him away, and that I needed to chill the fuck out.  Coming from her, that meant a lot, but on this day, I had a different story.  I told her about the note he left on my car -- her response was completely rational.  She said that he did that because he *does* want to hold onto me.  Of course he does ... why not?  I was giving him everything he wanted, fulfilling every need he had, and was doing it on his terms.  He had me, but at an arms distance, which is exactly where he wanted me.  Now that he doesnt have me there, he misses me.  So of course he wants to smooth things over.  She basically said that he was trying to take advantage of me, and I was like, HUH?!  Slap in the face.  So I left there in a great mood, totally convinced that I was not going to let him use me like that.


Then I went out that night.  It was my traditional Valentines Day dinner at Hooters with one of my  good friends.  After that, I got talked into going to the roller derby.  I had never been to a roller derby, and although I can see the draw, if you are a high schooler, it was a little boring for my taste.  At any rate, they had an anti-Valentines day party afterward, so we stayed there for a bit.  But being there just kind of made me sad and miss him that much more, so I left early to head back home.


I havent sent him the email.  I dont think I am going to, I kind of just like having it saved in my drafts folder.  I half want him (okay, not half, maybe 10%) to surprise me with a big "IM SORRY, IM AN IDIOT" apology tomorrow, on Valentines Day.  But thinking about it too much is certainly going to set me up for massive disappointment.  I dont really know how I would react to something like that ... ok, now Im thinking about it too much, moving on --


I have been strong, but everything reminds me of him.  Running, hot dogs, my stairs, my couch.  I look around my house and I see him.  That sucks.