I spent last night on the phone with some guy I met on match. The conversation was dry, the guy was not a good talker, even though we had a lot to talk about. It dawned on me that this is what Im in for. A whole bunch of small talk with strangers who dont mean anything to me. This is totally not what I want. This week has been hard for me. A lot of new things, new car, new match profile, new conversations, a new office. I feel overwhelmed, like I need to cry. There is something to be said for the comfort felt in the arms of someone who knows you so well, that they can calm all your fears with just an embrace. On this 4 week "anniversary" per say, of the break-up that started this mess, I feel defeated. I also abruptly cancelled my week long trial of match.com ... clearly I am not ready for this.
In spite of every bad emotion I went through, in spite of the countless times he let me down and made me so frustrated that I wanted to scream -- his voice always comforted me. His calm and understanding temperament would make still my most delirious screaming, anger-filled rage. I miss him so much right now, I dont even have the words. The thought of having to start all over again with some stranger haunts me. Im literally sitting at work in tears. I still walk to my car everyday looking for notes he may have left me, thinking maybe today will be the day he will reach out again. But today is not a good day for me, today I feel more heartbroken than I ever have.
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