Two weeks out (Day 14)

I really thought I was doing well, I really thought that I could be strong and handle this without being sucked back in ... but that note he wrote me is still weighing on my mind.  I sent him a text message.  -- it really wasnt anything except to say that I agreed with his note and that I wished it didnt have to come to this for him to want to reach out to me.


I dont know what I was expecting, I guess I just felt like I needed to tell him that I appreciated the note.  Maybe that was a bad idea, cuz in doing that, I put the ball back in his court.  But, I didnt hear back from him.  He didnt text me back, didnt call me, didnt leave another note on my car, nothing.  Again, I dont know what I was expecting, but I figured I would get some sort of confirmation, but I didnt.  And that ate at me, so I decided to take it one step further.  In all our forms communication (we had a few), one of the most effective ways was through pictures, so I took a picture of myself holding a picture of him with a tear rolling down my face.  It was genuine, I really was crying, and the picture conveyed enough emotion that I thought he would see how much hurt I was really feeling.  I also wrote just a short note about how I felt like this was all a dream, and that when I wake up, all this will be over and everything will be fine.


It does feel like a dream to me.  A really fucking bad dream.  I just really miss him.  There are so many things that I want to ask him and talk to him about, like if he knows anyone at the Cairo Embassy where all the fighting is going on, and how he is doing in school, I want to tell him that my daughter's new "thing" is to close all the doors in her room (the bathroom and closet) before she goes to bed -- something he always used to do ... random things that I think about throughout the day that I want to call and talk to him about.  I want to tell him about the drama with my car and that I am going to get a new one, I want him to help me find a car and make sure that I am getting a good deal.  He always took care of me, even though things were rocky, he still had my best interest at heart.  He genuinely cared for me, I miss that connection.


So now, all I can do is sit back and .... wait.  Wait for what, I dont know?  I dont really know why I gave him that picture, it has been something I have been thinking about for a while, doing something more impactful than just a note.  But im also afraid that I have given him back the power here.  It was so good to see him reach out to me, a first really, I wanted to put myself out there too, but in doing that, I have now allowed him to see my pain and now I have to wait.  I have a feeling this is going to be a loooong weekend.