Relationship 101

Question: How much can happen in one 24 hour period? 

Answer: A LOT

It might not be too much to say that Friday was a turning point in my life.  Not only as a new beginning point for a relationship that needs to be nurtured, but also as a new way of thinking and understanding -- on both ends.  We were honest and open, and let go of a lot of resentment, anger, disappointment and frustration.  This was the most communication we have ever had about our relationship, and possibly about anything, ever.  Once we got talking, we couldnt stop.  I was surprised at how easy it was to talk about all the things that I was always so nervous or scared to address.  He answered all my questions with conversation, not just a yes or no answer.  He elaborated on every topic I brought up, we talked about everything from the kids to love to annoyances that we had with the other person.  It was eye-opening, and felt extremely freeing to finally get everything out into the open.

We went to a lake close to my house, the trail that I did a lot of my marathon training on, and it seemed to be the perfect setting for our conversation -- a good balance of unfamiliar surroundings, to keep us objective, and forward movement, to keep the communication flowing.  I spent a lot of time listening, something I think I havent been so good at in the past.  He spent a lot of time talking, something he hasnt been so good at in the past.  It was so easy.

It seems so silly that we've been so bad at this communication thing, because it seems to come so easily to us.  If I had to pinpoint one thing that lead to the downfall of our relationship, it would be this.  And yet, it seemed to flow so openly yesterday.  So much so, that we promised to repeat our walk around the lake once a week, or however many times it takes, so that we can maintain the open lines of communication until it no longer becomes difficult.

At the end of the day, in an attempt to put some physical significance to our discussion, we took some paper and wrote down all our grievances and our emotional baggage from the relationship in the past, with the intention of letting it go.  So we took turns reading ours aloud, then crumpled each one up and tossed it into the lake, one-by-one.  Some got tossed further than others, some I wanted to drop kick, but, in the end, we let it all go and agreed to start over.  Together!

The relationship between him and I is never going to be easy.  We both have a lot of issues we need to address individually, and a lot of areas we need to continue to work on together, but hard work is a requirement for anything that is worth doing.  A relationship is no different.  I think people underestimate how much work goes into a strong relationship, its a lot of give and take, and I think that we've both finally realized that.  :)  We need to accept eachother, good and bad, not try to change the person, but compromise to reach common ground.

With that said, tho, I think there are still a few gray areas we need to address before I can officially list us as "together".  With so much confusion that has mounted in the past, I just want to recap the day and make sure we are both on the same page.  We talked about SO many things, I want to be sure we didnt forget something or misinterpret anything.  Communication is going to be key here, and I want to start it out on the right foot!  I cant wait to talk to him today!

Day 48

My mind is racing tonight.  I am hopeful that tomorrow will bring some answers, a new beginning or some closure.

I am still torn between the decision to make.  Either way, I lose a part of me that I love -- but gain a part of me that will be so great!

Day 47

I saw a quote on the internet today, some article I was reading on relationships -- seems to be my only source of internet browsing these days -- but it was:


"As men grow older, the poet Donald Justice wrote, men should 'learn to close softly the doors to rooms they will not be coming back to.'  Whats left behind in those rooms?  The unlimited options and possibilities we love to contemplate.  The certainty you're looking for, comes only after the door is shut."


This really made me sit back and think.  So many times in life we are looking for signs that things are right.  The right timing, the right outfit, the right job, the right relationship, the certainty that everything is in its place and is how its supposed to be.  But, are we ever really sure?  It might not be until things are not so right, that you actually realize how right they were when you were so uncertain.  The certainty comes only after the door is shut ...


This makes me think.

Game Plan:

Ok, so I need a game plan for Friday.  So many thing have been running through my head this weekend.  Things about the importance of certain times in our relationship, and those that I viewed as important, but in retrospect, were more trivial than anything else.  I am caught between his words that he wrote me on that terrible night weeks ago, and the promise that we can work through this, and with time, that we can grow this into a loving, lasting, working relationship.  Something that is real, not just made up in my head.  But I wonder if he is ready to love me as much as I want to love him -- Can he give me the support and commitment I need?  Can I give him the time and patience he needs to find that love?


Its interesting.  I remember when he was away, we would continuously pat ourselves on the back and talk about how what we had was a real, grow-up relationship, one that worked and was healthy.  But looking back, that was just not the case.  Its easy to be considerate and kind and not get upset about stupid everyday stuff when someone is not there all the time.  Its when they come back, and ARE around, that shit hits the fan.  Thats when you find out if things are "real" and "grown-up" and that is really when the whole "healthy" part can be determined.  We never had that.  I dont think our relationship ever fell into that whole "healthy" category.  We thought that we had already finished the race when we were still standing at the starting line.  I wonder if we can mesh our lives together?  We've never done that.  I dont know if he really knows how ... not in a bad way, just in the way that hes never done it before.  He has absolutely no experience with it, ever, in his adult life (and I was not a very good teacher).  Hes never had to coordinate schedules and consider another persons feelings when he makes plans.  Then you throw in the kids, and -- my God, no wonder he wanted to run the opposite direction!?  Its like the blind leading the blind here.  We're both terrible at this!


Hes terrible at being in a relationship in just the opposite way as me.  All Ive ever known was how to be in a relationship, a long-term committed relationship.  I dont know how to separate myself from that long-term objective and the dating-phase-we-dont-know-yet thing.  Ive been married since I was 21, I had been with the same guy for 5 years prior to getting married to him.  I dont know what im doing, I dont know how to do it, and I sure as hell have failed quite a few times.  


Learning experiences.  


So now im just depending on me, and the talk with him.  We need to straighten a lot of things out, we need to get a lot of stuff on the table and sort through, organize ... and shred before he and I can move on at all.  Whether I want that or not ... Do I want to be with him?  Maybe -- but I feel like I might always be looking over my shoulder waiting for him to abandon me again, I feel like his words are tattooed on my back and will remain there for a long while before they fade, if they ever do.  Can a relationship so fragile and beaten-down survive with those things looming over our heads?  Do I want that for myself?  Do I want that for him?  It seems like more questions just keep spewing out of my mouth!  Has enough time passed?  Has the door been closed long enough for him to realize what he had?  For me to realize what I had, and to respect it, and not try to smother it? 


The only way I'll ever know is to talk to him, and possibly let go, I mean, TRULY let go of a lot of anger, resentment, broken promises and expectations that never came to light.  As bad as this sounds, a lot of that is going to depend on how much he can shed light on a lot of things that went wrong.  How much he can open up to me and, for lack of a better word, prove to me that he is ready to man up.  I am just dying to know his perspective and what he has learned.  I really am ready, and part of me is excited (the other part of me is terrified), to tell him everything that I have learned.  To breathe a big sigh of relief and just let everything out.  For me, this will be freeing.

6 weeks out (Day 42)

All's well that end's well, right?

Sometimes I get myself into a tizzy because of tiny details, things he did say (or write) things he didnt say (or write).  Sometimes I think im my own worst enemy.  The day after I received that vague email, he sent me another email with exact times and days that he was avail to get together. He said that he didnt want to give me any dates until he knew what his schedule was for sure.  With me, I think I have learned that no information is better than vague information.  Im definitely going to have to pass this tip along to those I meet along the way.

So, we had lunch today.  This was after a very short, but sweet txt message conversation yesterday.  Out of the blue, he sends me a text message saying that he was going through his camera and he found some pictures of me, apparently, that I had taken "for him"!?  Me, having the worlds worst memory, didnt remember these pics at all, I couldnt even recall when about they would have been taken ... at any rate, we bantered back and forth about it for a good 30 minutes.  It was short sweet and lightened things up a bit.  Sometimes I do tend to be a little too serious.  He really makes me realize that life doesnt have to be SO dramatic ALL the time.  Even if im in the worst of moods, he can make me crack a smile -- i used to get SO mad at him when he would do this, but now I appreciate the reasoning behind it.  That is his way of bringing me back down to earth when I am on some crazy rampage, its his way of calming me, and the situation, down.  The one thing I have learned through all this is that I take myself too seriously.  Every decision doesnt have to be make or break, every situation doesnt have to be do or die.  

Back to lunch.  I was surprised that I was so freakin nervous as I made my way there!?  That really caught me off guard, because I DONT get nervous about that kind of stuff, but I guess I didnt really know what to expect.  And there is just so much history between us ... and to be honest, I am scared to death that I am going to get hurt again.  So -- what am I doing?  Why am I meeting him for lunch?  Am I taking steps backwards?  Am I trying to get back together with him?  Can he be the man who is ready to be there for me, to step up?  Am I ready to relax and not rush things so much?  Can we let go of our constant power struggle and learn to live as a couple and give up our selfish behavior?  I honestly dont know, but I think thats the point of this whole "talk" day.  To find out where we are, and what we want.

My perspective has really changed since my trip to San Fran.  I feel like I have a lot to offer and I feel like he never appreciated any of it, at least not in the time hes been home.  I feel like I deserve more and this time, I *REALLY* feel it.  For the first time I feel like if we didnt get back together I would be ok.  That is a huge place for me to come to.  In the 6 weeks we've been apart, I have learned so much about what I want, what I need, what I deserve ... and what I did wrong.  Its funny tho, when I see him, my heart just jumps out of my chest, a huge ridiculous smile comes across my face and I want to stay with him.  Is it bad that I wish he would come over this weekend and spend more time with me?  Anyway, lunch was good!  As soon as I saw him, all my nerves were gone and that familiar goofy smile rolled across my face, and didnt leave for the entire lunch.  We ate pizza, talked about how things were going in our lives, I told him stories of Napa and things that have happened since the break -- we even talked a little bit about our so-called "dating" life.  Ha!  But, most of all, I was just really happy to see him and be with him.  His hair was longer and actually had a little bit of a style to it, his smile, tho, was the exact same.  He has the best smile I have ever seen. *sigh  At one point, we got into this line of questions where he was talking about things that hes missed out on, in life in general b/c of being over seas.  So I asked him what he missed about being over seas.  His answer: me.  He said he missed going on vacation with me and waiting for me to get there, that the only time he came back to the states was to see me.  This is true.  In the 6 years he was over seas, he never came home, except when he met me -- then he was home all the time.  It shocked me that of all the things he could have remembered about being over seas, I would be the thing that stands out.  He might have just been trying to play to my emotions, or he may have just said that to convey the fact that I was an important part of his life at one point.  Either way, whether true or not, it was really sweet. 

We set a date to have our "talk".  1 week from today, next Fri.  I am excited to see how it all plays out.  Like I said, at this point, I could honestly be happy either way -- and that is a good place to be!

Day 40

Wow.  How much a week and a weekend away can change your perspective ... I highly recommend it if you are going through a similar situation!  I got back on Monday from my girls weekend in San Fran.  What surprised me was how much I *didnt* think about him while I was away.  


Before I left, a few emails were exchanged and I even ended up going over to his house after I received a reply from him that was particularly heartfelt.  It really caught be me by surprise when he wrote: "so i'm sorry for not being there for you when we were in a relationship, and i'm sorry for trying to be there for you when we weren't."


For whatever reason, this sentence along with others similar to it, really pulled me into this emotional spiral where I felt like I needed to go to him and see him.  So I did.  I left work, drove over to his house, not really knowing why I was going over there, but I was shaking.  Nervous about what I was doing, scared that I was putting myself out there again, anxious because it had been so long since I had seen him, excited because I was going to see him ... terrified because I might face rejection again.  So I knocked on his door and when he opened it, he was genuinely shocked to see me.  So I walked in and we stood in an embrace for more than 5 minutes.  No words, just standing there breathing together, locked around one another.  It was as if all the stress of the past 5 weeks was eliminated by just that one moment.  I told him that I didnt quite know why I had come, but, good or bad, I felt compelled to see him.  


So we sat down and talked.  I told him that I was miserable, and he didnt really believe me.  I guess he still sees me as this strong person who is bigger than this, a person who can just dust it off, pick herself back up and find the missing pieces as soon as the dust settles.  Little does he know really how torn I am.  It always amazes me that I am so weak when it comes to my romantic relationships, but so strong in so many other areas of my life.  Wonders never cease to amaze me.  Anyway, in our discussion, we tried to answer the question: What do we do now?  I had no idea.  He had no idea.  But we kind of came to a conclusion that we both could live with: we should set a date, about a month away, and have a date, per say, to kind of see where we are.  This really wasnt my favorite idea, but I didnt have any other suggestions at the time, so I agreed to it.  He wanted to wait a month mostly because he wanted me to have some time to be apart from him.  For him, it would be the easy route to just get back together, to enjoy all the good times again -- but that wasnt the point.  He was worried that while we were busy being young and dumb and going back and forth between fighting and being a couple, that I might miss out on a really good guy.  He said that I can forgive him for a lot of things, but he has had his chance with me, a few of them -- and he's blown it, every time.  So he told me that if I missed out on a really good guy because of him, he could never forgive himself.  But we decided to see what happenes, so we kind of set an arbitrary date and I left his place and went back to work.


I felt really calm and surprisingly relieved.  When I got home that evening, he sent me an email saying that seeing me was hard.  He reinforced the fact that he didnt want me to miss out on a good guy because I was with "a 30 year old unemployed college student".  This really caught me off guard.  I have struggled with this in the past, kind of giving up my dream, so to speak, of finding a guy with a good career, who has his life in order and was financially stable.  But, I have faced that demon, and have decided that it really is not a factor for me.  It shocked me, tho, that he brought it up.  I didnt really know what to think about it, he had never referred to himself like that before.


So, I thought about it.  And the one thing that kept weighing on me, was that if we were to get back together, all those issues that we used to have -- they would resurface, for sure.  So, I had an idea.  What if we sat down, have a heart to heart talk, and face all those issues that have been weighing us down?  What if we lay everything out on the table and just face them?  If we address everything that keeps coming up over and over and over again, and make peace with it, then we can decide what to do.  Make a grown up, adult decision to either be together, or remain apart.  We can make that decision not out of anger or because we are fighting, but because its what we both want.  We really need to sit down and define the relationship.  So, the day that I left for San Fran, I sent him the email that laid out my plan.  I didnt know what he would think about it, because it would force him to face all those issues that we had been hiding behind, bringing everything out from under the covers and really digging deep into why things had gone so horribly wrong.  I didnt know if he would be up for that much emotional vulnerability, but I received a reply email the next day.  It was very short, simple and sweet -- and it was exactly what I needed to hear.  "i think that is a good idea. if you want to, i want to."


So I went on my trip, it was one of the most amazing, relaxing and calming experiences I have ever had!  4 good friends, 3 days, 8 wineries, over 200 tastings, good food, and so much "me" time.


I really didnt think too much about what was going on outside of what I was doing that weekend.  Even at night, when I did have time to think, I really didnt think too much about what was going on between me and him.  It felt good to have weekend where thoughts of him didnt consume my life, it was the first time in a long time that I had that freedom ... and I basked in it!


He sent me 2 more emails while I was gone, nothing huge, just little notes that wished me well on my trip and such.  It was so nice to hear from him, but I didnt want to spoil it with a whole bunch of responses back and forth, so I didnt really respond to him while I was away.  I did, however, send him an email the day after I got back, yesterday.  I told him that I wanted to call him when I got home, but I didnt.  I said that I wanted to set up lunch this week to sort of set a time to have our "define the relationship" talk, that I hoped he had a really good weekend and that I hoped to talk to him soon.  His response to that was vague, which is a little frustrating, but im hoping that he maybe just needs some time to mull things over.  I have a good feeling about it tho, and I stay hopeful.  We shall see.

Day 29

There is a good friend of my company's who is a motivational speaker, he gives presentations all over the country and is from here in the StL area.  He lives very close to my office and comes in every once-in-a-while to talk to my company ... he also brings us pizza, so we all love him!  He was at our first User Conference and we had a really good conversation, and ever since then, his blog and inspirational messages have been a driving force in my life.  Anyway, he came in to give a presentation Friday afternoon, his message: put yourself out there.  I seriously thought he was talking directly to me (even though he has no idea about what is going on in my life).  He basically said that sometimes you just need to walk away, but other times, you need to look deep within, figure out what it is that you really want, and go for it.  He said that you cant predict how others will react to your actions, all you can do is be in control of yourself.  What everyone else thinks or does is really none of your concern, and it shouldnt run or ruin your life.

With this message fresh in my brain, it really forces me to evaluate my whole situation.  What do I really want?  

I wrote him an email.  I think I am going to send this one.  I have been spending all this time wondering how he feels and speculating about things, but why do that when I can go straight to the source and ask?  This is how I feel we got into trouble in the first place ... making assumptions that were completely wrong.  I just need to send him an email to let him know that I dont blame him for everything, that we both played an equally destructive part in the downfall of the relationship.  I realize that now, and with this fresh new perspective, I feel like this will be a good thing -- even though I still feel cautious because he could laugh in my face, or he could completely ignore me again, but if I dont put myself out there, Ill never know.  And I feel like that would be worse.

One month out (day 28)

I spent last night on the phone with some guy I met on match.  The conversation was dry, the guy was not a good talker, even though we had a lot to talk about.  It dawned on me that this is what Im in for.  A whole bunch of small talk with strangers who dont mean anything to me.  This is totally not what I want.  This week has been hard for me.  A lot of new things, new car, new match profile, new conversations, a new office.  I feel overwhelmed, like I need to cry.  There is something to be said for the comfort felt in the arms of someone who knows you so well, that they can calm all your fears with just an embrace.  On this 4 week "anniversary" per say, of the break-up that started this mess, I feel defeated.  I also abruptly cancelled my week long trial of match.com ... clearly I am not ready for this.


In spite of every bad emotion I went through, in spite of the countless times he let me down and made me so frustrated that I wanted to scream -- his voice always comforted me.  His calm and understanding temperament would make still my most delirious screaming, anger-filled rage.  I miss him so much right now, I dont even have the words.  The thought of having to start all over again with some stranger haunts me.  Im literally sitting at work in tears.  I still walk to my car everyday looking for notes he may have left me, thinking maybe today will be the day he will reach out again.  But today is not a good day for me, today I feel more heartbroken than I ever have.

Day 27

So, someone once told me that the best way to get over an old love, was to find a new love ... so with that in mind, I signed up for a free 1 week trail of match.com on Monday.  I havent really gotten a huge response, but I think its time to just kind of test the waters.  I guess if I can prove to myself that Im still a hot commodity (right, lol) that might give me the ego boost I need right now to continue being strong.  

Its been almost 4 weeks, an entire month without talking to him, almost 3 full weeks without contact -- but I still think about him all the time.  I wonder if he thinks about me and regrets anything.  I hope he does.  Those things he said to me, that email he wrote to me, those words will be burned in the back of my head for eternity.  Id like to eventually get an Im sorry out of him, tho I know the likelihood of that happening is small.  I have had this song Jar of Hearts stuck in my head.  Part of me wants to send him an email with nothing but a link to this song in it, and basically tell him to fuck off.  Its a pretty strong song, but I cant do that, Im not that person.  Besides, that would be pretty final.

I relate to this song because it really tells my story, especially when she talks about broken promises.  That is exactly how I feel.  I think I am starting to get to the point where I could be ok with telling him to take his apology and shove it, but I feel powerless right now.  I still miss him, and even tho I am trying to move on, hence the match profile, I dont think I am quite ready yet -- what I *am* ready for, is an ego boost!  What better way to do that than with some cute boys doting on me, wanting to take me out on a few harmless dates?!  We'll see how this goes.  The last time I was in this broken up situation, a couple months ago, I went out on one date, and, poor guy, all I could do was talk about my ex.  Sad, I know.  Lets hope that past doesnt repeat itself!!?

Day 23

I keep having such mixed emotions about this.  One second, I am empowered, strong and am ready to move on.  The next second, I am missing him, crushed about my future without him and want him back.  I really dont know which way to turn.


I got my hair done yesterday and my hairdresser, God bless her, I dont know what I would do without her.  She is my connection to reality when all I want to do is live in la-la land.  She gives it to me straight and doesnt beat around the bush.  She has a completely outside perspective and always has good insight into why guys do what they do.  When things were rocky before, she actually confessed to me that this was was the happiest that she had ever seen me, and that all the smothering I was doing was driving him away, and that I needed to chill the fuck out.  Coming from her, that meant a lot, but on this day, I had a different story.  I told her about the note he left on my car -- her response was completely rational.  She said that he did that because he *does* want to hold onto me.  Of course he does ... why not?  I was giving him everything he wanted, fulfilling every need he had, and was doing it on his terms.  He had me, but at an arms distance, which is exactly where he wanted me.  Now that he doesnt have me there, he misses me.  So of course he wants to smooth things over.  She basically said that he was trying to take advantage of me, and I was like, HUH?!  Slap in the face.  So I left there in a great mood, totally convinced that I was not going to let him use me like that.


Then I went out that night.  It was my traditional Valentines Day dinner at Hooters with one of my  good friends.  After that, I got talked into going to the roller derby.  I had never been to a roller derby, and although I can see the draw, if you are a high schooler, it was a little boring for my taste.  At any rate, they had an anti-Valentines day party afterward, so we stayed there for a bit.  But being there just kind of made me sad and miss him that much more, so I left early to head back home.


I havent sent him the email.  I dont think I am going to, I kind of just like having it saved in my drafts folder.  I half want him (okay, not half, maybe 10%) to surprise me with a big "IM SORRY, IM AN IDIOT" apology tomorrow, on Valentines Day.  But thinking about it too much is certainly going to set me up for massive disappointment.  I dont really know how I would react to something like that ... ok, now Im thinking about it too much, moving on --


I have been strong, but everything reminds me of him.  Running, hot dogs, my stairs, my couch.  I look around my house and I see him.  That sucks.

Three weeks out (Day 21)

I wrote another email to him today.  --No, I didnt send it, havent sent it yet, dont know if I want to send it.  I dont want to be weak, but I want to know why he reached out to me and then let it fade away.  I feel like I am without a resolution, and above all, I NEED closure.  Dont quite know what I will do, hopefully Ill make the right decision.  The last thing I need right now is more regret ... or more rejection.

Day 19

Something has changed in the past couple days for me.  I feel like I am finally starting to separate myself from all the "together" memories that I envisioned for us.  I am learning to do things on my own again -- well, not really learning again, more like remembering how to do things without including him in every future plan I make.  Not gonna lie, it kind of hurts.  But I have decided that I need to move on.  Last night I spent a lot of time thinking back and remembering how many times he made me feel uncomfortable, how many times I sat back and cried because he refused to give me what I needed -- not because he couldnt, but because he didnt want to.  There is a big difference there.  I would outright tell him, THIS IS WHAT I NEED, and he would look me strait in the face, and say "no".  How can someone be so selfish?  It is hard for me to understand because I would have done anything for him, gone anywhere with him, made good on any promise I made to him ... and all he could give me was "no".


I felt like I faced so much rejection from him in those last few months.  Almost to the point where I was scared to contact him if I had something I needed to ask him.  Even if it was just something as simple as 'do you want to come over and hang out with me'.  Most of the time I just wouldnt ask, but if I did finally work up the guts to make the call, I would have to give myself a pep-talk -- to prepare myself for the inevitable "no" that was coming.  Feeling like I was always one phone call away from a "no" was torture.  I felt so much rejection from him, ick, I can still feel the pain.  


So I have to ask myself, is that the person who I want in my future?  Do I really want this person in my life, in my childrens lives, in the lives of my family and friends?  I feel like I am holding on to this person who I envisioned in my head, whether made up or not, that person was very real to me.  The person who I thought he was, the person who he gave me every indication that he was when he was so far away -- was not the person he turned out to be.  I feel like I was seriously misled, I feel like that person is in there somewhere, but has disappeared, vanished into thin air on the plane ride from Berlin to StL.  I am grieving the loss not of the person who he is, but the person who I thought he was.  The person who I know exists somewhere within his current form, but has been suppressed at a time when I needed him the most.  If he could not return to that person, if he couldnt put aside his selfishness for just one moment in spite of seeing how hurt I was, knowing how much sadness he was causing me, then I dont want him in my life anyway.


I feel like I need to start accepting the fact that we wont be getting back together.  I feel like up until now, I have been waiting on some kind of resolution from him.  But why do I have to be the one to wait for him to tell me he doesnt want me?  I almost want to hear from him so I can throw it back in his face and say, "Screw you buddy!  You had your chance, I was willing to talk about it, was willing to work it out when you left that note on my car -- but you didnt do anything about it, you didnt do anything after that!?  You had my attention, but you have since lost it."  Im done waiting on him to tell me how to feel, I have decided how I want to feel.  I want to feel good about myself again, the way his alter ego made me feel just a year ago.  I have decided to stop letting his actions, or lack of actions, rule my life.  I need to move on.

Day 16

I have been reading articles and blogs on the web about relationships -- who am I kidding, I even purchased a few books on the topic to try to work through my confusion.  At any rate, this one article about Why Men Dont Listen to Women has left a big impression on me.  The article listed out reasons, obviously, why men dont listen to women --


In my relationship, I experienced all of the reasons listed, to some extent, but a LOT of: 

• #1 Its a Power Struggle
• #6 Demand for Rationality
• #7 Problems have to be solved

I am a very "Type A" personality, so the thought of giving up my sense of control, the power in the relationship, was very hard for me to handle.  It would be one thing if it were an equal division of power, but he had almost all the power almost all the time.  A good friend of mine shared a quote with me and I think it fit my situation perfectly, "The power in a relationship lies with the person who cares the least".  I think this is an amazingly powerful, and sadly true, statement.  I dont know how much he really cared if I stayed or if I went.  I felt like I was always just there for him when it was convenient for him, he rarely went out of his way to do something that I wanted to do when he didnt want to do it.  If he didnt want to do it, he just told me "no".  A theme that would repeat itself all the way to the end. 

He also always demanded that I be rational.  He was always very withdrawn when I wanted to talk about our relationship, and I think its because he expected me to come at it with a very rational approach -- you know what?  Im sorry, but feelings and emotional connections are not rational.  Rational theorys and thought processes cannot be applied to an irrational emotion.  The rational side of me says to move on already and stop this nonsense about wanting him back, he's not good enough for me ... but my emotional side says hold on with everything I have.  It is a constant struggle.  Although in hindsight, I never gave him the option to talk or not talk about it.  I always came at him rushing down a path that could not be stopped.  I should have given him the option, if I would have asked him when a better time to talk about our relationship would have been, he might have been more receptive.  Note to self: This is a MUST in the future.

Problems have to be solved, this was him to a T.  It goes along with his demand for rationality.  He always thought that the main reason for communication was to share facts that can be used for problem solving.  Sometimes problems dont have a solution, they just need to be voiced so the other person knows whats on your mind.  I always tried to appeal to this thought process tho, and when ever I had an issue, I would say things like, 'this way and that way didnt work, lets try another solution to solve this problem'.  It seems that when I used these rational words, he was more receptive, but it would only last so long before we fell back into the bad habit that caused the rift in the first place.

I also read a great blog on Communication, about how we are better at communicating with strangers than loved ones.  Why?  Because we assume that those close to us understand us and therefore make assumptions about how they will react to our conversation -- which usually leads to colossal misunderstandings.  We have no preconceived notions about strangers, on the other hand, and assume that they will take everything in context, will have no sense of humor towards our words and not have any understanding of underlying implications.  

I think I took our communication for granted.  It always baffled me that we were such good communicators when he was 5600 miles away, and when he came back, its like that communication went up in smoke.  We would make comments about how we were always on the same page, and we knew eachother so well ... but did we really?  When he was so far away, we were forced into strictly verbal communication, and when he came back, we moved almost exclusively toward non-verbal communication, and that was where the problem started.  We assumed the other one was on the same page, but we werent.  We took that connection we had for all those months when we were apart, and applied the same principle to when we were together.  But the game had changed, so the same rules did not apply.  I should have seen this.  


Wow.  Things are always so much clearer in hindsight.

Day 15

I feel like Im moving backwards.  The more I think about it, the longer it is since the break, the harder it gets.  Isnt this supposed to be getting better?  I feel like it was ok those first weeks, but now it sucks.  I miss him and I want him to be near me.  I miss his smell and the way he used to touch my neck when we were in the car or laying together, I miss the way he always had these crazy ideas for inventions that he would never make, but was just as passionate about anyway.  He is a deep thinker, has big dreams and is struggling to get there, just like everyone else -- just like me.  Trying to find their path.


What did he mean by contacting me??!  Was he trying to get my attention?  Mission accomplished ... now what?  Nothing?  I dont get it, I just dont get it.

Two weeks out (Day 14)

I really thought I was doing well, I really thought that I could be strong and handle this without being sucked back in ... but that note he wrote me is still weighing on my mind.  I sent him a text message.  -- it really wasnt anything except to say that I agreed with his note and that I wished it didnt have to come to this for him to want to reach out to me.


I dont know what I was expecting, I guess I just felt like I needed to tell him that I appreciated the note.  Maybe that was a bad idea, cuz in doing that, I put the ball back in his court.  But, I didnt hear back from him.  He didnt text me back, didnt call me, didnt leave another note on my car, nothing.  Again, I dont know what I was expecting, but I figured I would get some sort of confirmation, but I didnt.  And that ate at me, so I decided to take it one step further.  In all our forms communication (we had a few), one of the most effective ways was through pictures, so I took a picture of myself holding a picture of him with a tear rolling down my face.  It was genuine, I really was crying, and the picture conveyed enough emotion that I thought he would see how much hurt I was really feeling.  I also wrote just a short note about how I felt like this was all a dream, and that when I wake up, all this will be over and everything will be fine.


It does feel like a dream to me.  A really fucking bad dream.  I just really miss him.  There are so many things that I want to ask him and talk to him about, like if he knows anyone at the Cairo Embassy where all the fighting is going on, and how he is doing in school, I want to tell him that my daughter's new "thing" is to close all the doors in her room (the bathroom and closet) before she goes to bed -- something he always used to do ... random things that I think about throughout the day that I want to call and talk to him about.  I want to tell him about the drama with my car and that I am going to get a new one, I want him to help me find a car and make sure that I am getting a good deal.  He always took care of me, even though things were rocky, he still had my best interest at heart.  He genuinely cared for me, I miss that connection.


So now, all I can do is sit back and .... wait.  Wait for what, I dont know?  I dont really know why I gave him that picture, it has been something I have been thinking about for a while, doing something more impactful than just a note.  But im also afraid that I have given him back the power here.  It was so good to see him reach out to me, a first really, I wanted to put myself out there too, but in doing that, I have now allowed him to see my pain and now I have to wait.  I have a feeling this is going to be a loooong weekend.

Day 10.5

In a curious turn of events, I have somehow received a handwritten note from him, placed on my car while I was at work today ... along with some lip gloss I apparently left at his place.  I am as angry as I am relieved.  This one really threw me for a loop.


The note was short, 5 sentences, the first sentence being "War is easy to get into, but hell to get out of" the last statement being "You are amazing".  How can a woman who he doesnt love and doesnt want to have a future with be amazing?  The note was sincere, sweet, remorseful, and I am really at a crossroads here about what I should do.  On one hand, my friends tell me he is being manipulative and that he is just lonely and doesnt have anyone who will listen to him like I did -- but on the other hand, I have the man, who (still) means the world to me, showing me a sign of regret and reaching out for me.  Something I want more than anything.  


I feel like I want to call him and just ask him what he is doing...??  Why he is doing this.  He has clearly stated his case, does he just intend to torture me even more?  Is he sincere?  Did he write that in a moment of weakness, or does he want to work things out?  Why would he try to get in contact with me when he has done everything he could to push me away?


This has never happened before, I dont really know how to handle this situation, other than with tears ... and lots of wine.


What am I going to do?

Day 10

I spent last weekend in a half-and-half mode.  Half the time I was plotting and scheming, dreaming up magnificent ways in which to get him back.  The other half of the time, I was trying to escape my sadness.  Ive decided that a trip to San Fran to visit one of my best friends is in high order.  It seems that every time I have a significant life change, I escape to San Fran and that brings me some peace -- and a good dose of perspective.


Last time I was there, I completed a marathon (which we ran together).  The time before that, I had just been let go from a job that I loved.  Being there with her always makes me feel wanted and powerful -- in a very feministic, positive self-worth way.  She is the epitome of an independent, strong, successful woman, and her strength inspires me.  When she was dating, she never called the guys, she let them call her.  She would never be caught dead running back to someone.  Her philosophy was (is) that if a man wanted her bad enough, he would have to work to get her.  I love that about her!!  Luckily, she found a man who was willing to put in the work.  She always tries to get me to see life from that perspective, and I want to ... its just hard for me to throw the emotional side of me to the wind.  A very big problem I have is that I get emotionally attached very, VERY easily.  This is an issue for me, I know it.  I have done this with all my relationships since my divorce.  Its not that I dont think Im worth anything, because I know I have a lot (A LOT) to offer, I just am very idealistic, and have a romanticized view of life (and love) -- and, to a fault, believe in true love.  So when I find someone who fits my ideal, I hold onto it with EVERYTHING I have, and have a very hard time letting go ... even when the writing is on the wall (or in the email, in this case).


I spent some much needed 'girl time' time with another one of my good friends this weekend.  I feel so blessed to have people in my life that continue to support me and give me a shoulder to cry on, even though they have every right to say "I told you so" -- they never would.  I spent Sat night surrounded by a best friend, bottles of wine, chinese food, ice cream, angry birds on ps3 ... and Zombieland!!


Today I feel better.  I am really trying to focus more on the things that didnt go so great in my relationship, and there were plenty of those.  I get sad when I look back and I see all the happy times we had (there were plenty of those too) but what I am starting to see is that even tho there were a lot of good times, I dont know if they outweigh the bad.  The good times were good, but the bad times were really, Really, REALLY bad.  The whole 2nd half of our relationship was spent on a roller coaster of super high high's and super low low's.  Does one outweigh the other?  I dont know yet?

Day 8

I have been having these weird dreams.  Dreams about my teeth and hair falling out.  Me, not being one to put much stock in dreams, usually would think nothing of this.  But, given my situation, I have tried to analyze, over-analyze and re-analyze these in hopes that maybe my subconscious might have more insight than I do.


From what I can extrapolate from the many sources I have researched (ahem, google) dreams like these usually mean that you feel like youre losing control.  Maybe I should put more stock in dreams ... this is exactly what I am feeling.  


Today is a Saturday, and I woke up in a total funk.  I didnt have any weird dreams last night, but for some reason I woke up this morning in tears.  Maybe all of this is becoming all too real to me now.  I have broken out in tears 3 times already this morning ... and its not even 10am yet.


Over the past week I have scoured the internet for songs that might give me some peace, some sense of validation in my decision to end this with him (We Belong, Pat Benatar | The Promise, When in Rome | Hold you in my Arms, Ray LaMontagne) ...or for some glimmer of hope that we might work this out.  I mean, he doesnt love me, after an entire year!?  Shouldnt that be a big enough red flag for me to move on already?  Why is that so hard for me to come to terms with?


This is ridiculous!  All I want is for him to burst though my door with flowers and his big beautiful smile and tell me how sorry he is and how he wants me back.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Even after everything, how can I still want that??


Every time I look outside my back window, I look for his car in my driveway, every time my phone chimes, I think it *might* be him text messaging me and telling me that he wants me back.


You know whats even worse?  Knowing that there is not a chance in hell that any of the above would actually happen.  Not even a remote chance that he would admit that he was wrong, tell me that I am the best thing in his life and come crawling back to me.  The only way we would connect again, is if I gave in.  Why am I so weak??  What is it about him that makes me want to crawl back into his arms and feel safety once again?


I am seriously pathetic.

One week out (day 7)

A week ago, my boyfriend and I, of exactly 1 year, broke up.  The break up was as sudden as it was devastating.  Things had been going SO well, the turbulence of the past 5 months was dying down and things were beginning to level off.  So the confusion I have is insurmountable.  


We dated in high school for a while, and then we went our separate ways for 15 years.  I went off, got married, had 2 children, got divorced and had a series of relatively insignificant relationships since the divorce -- he went off, got into a bit of trouble with a little too much partying and such, but eventually saw the err of his ways and joined the marine corps.


We re-connected again last January, by chance, really, in what I considered to be a "fate" type situation.  I have never been very good at the whole 'dating game' thing, most of my life has been lived in a long-term committed relationship.  I never really had, or wanted, the opportunity to date very many people.  I would get in a relationship, realize I was happy (enough), and stay put for a while.  End of story.  So when I happened upon this man from my past who came into my life at what seemed like the perfect time, I was ... taken.  Caught up in a flurry of emotions and the feeling that my destiny was knocking on my door, I was smitten from the very beginning.


I had never dated a marine, and that in itself was a huge draw for me!!  I was captivated -- that first night.  It had been a while since I had that feeling and I was in for it, I didnt know where it would take me, but I wanted to know, I wanted to follow it and see where it would go.  The fact that he was still in the marine corps and was stationed in Germany for the next 7 months was really of no importance to me at that point.  I didnt care, I wanted him.  I wanted us.


The next few weeks were magical, we would sit up on the phone, him in Berlin, me in the states, a 7hr time difference, and talk for hours.  We talked about everything ... and nothing all at the same time, we would try to get off the phone and then find ourselves, an hour later, STILL talking!  He planned a surprise vacation for us in Jan of the next year because he said that "he always wanted us to have something to look forward to!"  Be still my heart!!  I thought to myself, this was it!  I have found my "one"!  He gave me every indication that this was it for him too, and in the short time we had know eachother, he admitted to me that I had become part of his "life plan".  It was easy for us, we already felt like we knew eachother because of our relationship in high school.  We were familiar and that gave me such a sense of security that I let all my walls down, to a detriment, unfortunately, in the end.  But still, I was an open book, completely open, no guard up, no reason to doubt where this was going.


As soon as he went back to Berlin from the states, he made up his mind that he was not going to renew his contract with the marine corps, his heart wasnt in it anymore and he was anxious to start his life, as a civilian.  He put in a request for vacation, and 3 months later, he came to visit me.  It was now the beginning of May.  We were inseparable the entire 2 weeks he was home.  We couldnt get enough!  He made me breakfast and came to visit me during my lunch breaks at work.  He would sit outside in his car, not doing anything, just reading, and wait for me to get off work so he could drive me home.  I mean, my God, he volunteered to clean a hairy gross clump out of my shower because it was clogged!?  He made me so happy, I felt that connection, the way people feel when they begin a future with together -- we talked about what we would do when he was out of the marines, about how he wanted to introduce me to his family during Christmas, and how he wanted to watch my kids for me while I went out with my friends, and how he would bring me wine and a candle whenever I wanted to take a bath ... it was perfect.


When he left, I felt that pain.  The pain that I didnt want to feel, but I knew I had no choice, I was falling for this man.  There was nothing I could do, I was invested.


So, back at home, alone and sad that he was gone, I decided that I wanted to take a vacation to see him.  We talked about it over the next 2 weeks and finally decided that a European Vacation was in our future!!  So we planned it and worked out the details, I applied for my very first passport, spent hours on the computer researching hotels and places I wanted to go.  I contacted my friends who live in Dublin and they agreed to take us in for a couple days!!  Everything was working out so perfectly --


It didnt really bother me that we hadnt exchanged the "L" word yet.  I was positive that we were both on the same page.  It did seem a little weird, tho, looking back, that I was intensely feeling it and kept wondering when he was going to tell me ... but he never did.  There were plenty of opportunities.  Maybe he just wasnt ready, and I would respect his boundaries.  But I knew for sure, without a shadow of a doubt that on our trip, he would say it!!  How perfect would it be for him to tell me he loved me when we were standing at the top of the Eiffel Tower??!  Epic!  I couldnt wait!


So our European vacation came and went -- dont get me wrong, we had an amazing time!  He introduced me to the most important people in his life, his marine corps buddies that he was stationed with, we saw all the sights we could see, we visited old friends and saw the Atlantic Ocean from a whole new perspective, I WENT TO PARIS!!  None of this could be accomplished without him ... it was only lacking one thing, my "I love you" moment.  And, I had also noticed that about half way though our 2 week trip, something changed for him.  I dont know what it was,   maybe it was all the stress. They say that traveling is one of the most stressful things that a couple can go through.  Maybe it was because we were really tired, all the traveling we were doing was taking a toll on us and our temper, and nerves were about shot by the time we got to our last stop, Paris.  Of all the places for our nerves to be shot -- we went to the Eiffel Tower and had a sunset dinner on the 4th of July.  This was the perfect opportunity for him to tell me.  I waited and waited, nothing.  I wanted to scream at him "SAY IT! TELL ME!" -- we stayed there at the top of the Eiffel Tower for almost 2hrs after dinner was over, I was waiting, I didnt want to leave, I wanted him to tell me he loved me.  But he didnt.  In hindsight, I think he finally realized how truly invested I really was, and that scared him -- to a point where he started to back away.


Now 7 months into our relationship, and I still didnt have firm commitment from him.  But, ours was a weird, long-distance thing, so, even though I really wanted that statement, I couldnt blame him if he wasnt ready yet.  I mean, of the past 7 months, although we had talked daily, exchanged emails and videos, we had actually only physically been together a total of 4 weeks.  How could I blame him, right?  


The next few weeks were a bit rocky, I remember sending him an email (that was the first of many) stating that I was kind of starting to feel ignored.  He only had 7 more weeks in the marine corps before he was home for good, and I was starting to get the feeling that he was pulling away.  I didnt know what changed, exactly, for him.  But I knew something had changed.  He wasnt emailing me, or making time to call me and talk for hours like we used to.  Things were starting to feel distant and I didnt know what the problem was.  I tried to ignore it, I tried not to take it personally, but it ate at me.  I would ask him about it, and he would either get very defensive or dodge my question altogether, and say things like, "but I *was* thinking about you" or that "i was always on his mind" --ok, well, if that is the case, then get a hold of me and let me know, because I was not feeling it.  


He came home on Aug 26th, I met him at the airport with his mom, step-dad and aunt.  I waited to see him, knowing that he was back, and that this moment would start the rest of our lives together...I was SO excited!  I couldnt wait -- to see him, to breath him in, to feel his face touching mine.  When he came out of the terminal, I ran and jumped as tears rolled down my face, I grabbed him, wrapped my legs around him and kissed him with everything I had.  We spent that night together and I was filled with hope that the rockiness of the past couple weeks would pass and we could start working on our relationship in real life.  Finally together, after all this time.


But little did I know that the past couple weeks were just the beginning of the roller coaster our relationship was headed for.  After that first night, I didnt see him again for 4 days ... and that was the beginning of our constant struggle.  My struggle to be a part of his life, and his struggle to exclude me.  From that point on, I questioned why he was in this relationship, and he never gave me a good reason.  He hadnt told me he loved me, I felt his attachment to me deteriorating.  I would question why I was in his life, he always seemed to have more important things to do other than to see me.  He would make plans without me and we would struggle for control, constantly.  I would blow up and get angry because he would always choose everything else over me.  I saw him, at best, once a week, and he thought this was perfectly fine.  I went from daily contact with him in Berlin, down to a text message *maybe* once a day, and physical contact *maybe* once a week.  What happened?  I felt closer to him when he was 5600 miles away!?


The first month he was back was a constant battle between him and I.  I wanted to see him more, he wanted to see me less.  I had been without him for the past 7 months, why didnt he want to spend more time with me??  I was so confused?  I was sick of missing him, he was home now, there was no need for us to miss eachother anymore!!  Yet the more we struggled, the more I questioned his commitment.  I wondered what all those talks were about spending time together, going to the gym together, us watching the children and spending lazy nights on the couch together watching movies once the kids were in bed...??  Was all that a lie?  I felt like I had been deceived.  Like I had been played.  He gave me every indication that he wanted to be in my life, and when he finally got the chance, he opted out.  I felt so empty, like a big hole had been ripped out of my heart.


He was looking into school and where he wanted to go and was really excited about it!  I tried to help when I could, and even made calls for him.  But still, he was distant.  He didnt have a job, he didnt have a car, he wasnt in school yet, he didnt have any responsibility AT ALL in his life, so the BS line he was feeding me about "being too busy" to spend time with me, was a total crock of shit.  The more he pulled away, the more I tried to get him back...which really only resulted in smothering.  That was my fault, I know, but how is a woman supposed to react when she sees the man she wants to be with becoming so distant that she barely recognizes who he is anymore?  I wanted to break down that wall -- but instead, it drove us further apart.


He would take off on these, what I termed "escapes" -- escaping from me, escaping from our relationship, escaping from something, I dont know?  He would go on these road trips, and not tell me he was leaving or where he was going.  He wouldnt invite me, he would just up and go, like he had not a care in the world.  I remember feeling completely worthless to be so excluded from his life that he didnt see the need to mention to me that he was going away for a week.  I so desperately wanted to be included in his life.  I included him in everything I did! Every plan I made, I assumed he would go with me -- and I felt as though he was purposely keeping me out of his life.  I would sit there and cry for hours, just feeling pain, nothing else.  Completely devastated that I had to endure another weekend without him when all I wanted to do was take him in my arms and have him close to me.  The worst part was that he would come back and act like everything was ok.  He wouldnt apologize, he wouldnt try to make it up to me, nothing.  He usually even had the audacity to sit there and tell me what a wonderful time he had on his little escape -- while I was back at home, suffering.


He would let me down in so many ways.  He no longer wanted to be a part of my childrens lives, even though he already was.  He thought he would come back and would immediately fall in love with my kids -- when that didnt happen, he just decided that it wasnt worth it, and gave up trying.  That was a real problem for me.  I would try to get him involved with them and he refused to even attempt.  We fought on this issue all the time.


He had the communication skills of a 5 year old -- we basically had no communication, and that was a problem.  I tried to talk to him about what was going on and how he was feeling, but he often dodged my attempts, or acted frustrated or annoyed when I would try to get across how wrong his selfish behavior was, on so many levels.  But he seemed to think nothing of it, and continued to do it.  There was nothing I could to do to make him see how much he was hurting me.  I tried talking to him, but it always ended up in an argument, I would write him countless emails to try to give my side of the story, but he would toss them away, unread ... nothing worked.  I felt defeated.  The relationship I had counted on, the man who I wanted to be with was almost unrecognizable.  How could things go so horribly wrong?


We broke up for the first time just a month after he was home.  I was confused and didnt really know what was happening.  The reason behind that break up, was that my expectations were completely shattered.  When he got home,  I fully expected that we would spend a LOT of time together.  I basically thought that we would be together so much that we would be moving in together by Jan 1.  He had a different idea of what it would be like when he got home -- and it was that disconnect that eventually led to the break up.  But, after a couple days, we confronted eachothers expectations and got back together.


Things werent perfect, but they were better.  At least now I knew where he was coming from, but I still couldnt let go of all those promises I feel like he went back on.  And that continued (continues) to be a problem for me.  I was in the middle of training for a marathon when we had another blow out when he decided to go off on another escape without telling me and without inviting me.  I was furious!  How could this happen AGAIN?!  We decided to take a 2 week break, where we would have limited contact and we would meet up in San Francisco, where my marathon was, and decide to either stay together or to break it off.  So my marathon weekend came, we both met up in San Fran, and had an amazing time -- I mean, an AMAZING time!!  I got a glimpse of the person I used to know, the person who was kind, and supportive and there for me.  I was amazed at his actions, and how easily I fell back into his arms like nothing had ever been wrong!  The marathon was tough, but I got through it and he was there to help me cross that finish line!  I was literally on top of the world!  I thought things would be better, they would be good, this person who was there for me in San Fran would come back and be the same person at home, but when we got back, it was more of the same old, same old.  But we stayed together this time, I dont know why?  Maybe because I didnt have anything better to do?  Maybe I like suffering?  What I did know was that the man who I used to know back in Berlin, back when we were happy, was in there somewhere, I got a glimpse of him in San Fran.  I guess that was enough to make me stay.  Hoping that that person would make a comeback, and choose to stay also.


Admittedly, each and every one of those times we broke up, I was the one who went running back.  What can I say?  I am weak, and he usually had some sort of point that he made that would stick out in my mind about why this was my fault and not his.  And that would eat away at me.  I would think, God, this *is* my fault, I am letting the best thing that ever happened to me walk away.  And I would go running back.  And we would try again.  Each time, tho, I really truly felt like I had learned something from the previous mistake.


We broke up for a 2nd time at the end of November.  This break up was different.  I was dead serious about it.  He had gone off on yet ANOTHER one of his escapes, and I was so sick of being treated like crap.  I felt like I deserved better than that, I felt like I was worth more.  I needed more.  I needed a man who was ready to commit to me and was ready for a long term relationship, I mean, my God, it had almost been a year, still no "I love you", which was now becoming a huge deal to me.  I felt like he always had the upper hand, I felt like I had no pull in the relationship, he held all the cards, he was the one with the power -- and as a total control freak, this was more than I could take.  Relationships are supposed to be about mutual respect, intimacy on many levels and trust.  None of those I believed we had.  He had not let any of his walls down, in fact, he had built them up higher since he returned.  He would not show me any emotional connection, he refused to open himself up to me, to be vulnerable, he would not.  


So I packed up all the things he had given me and my children.  The tie he bought my son to match the one he purchased for himself, the Wii game that he gave them, the Shel Silverstein books that my daughter loved, the pair of boxers I wore religiously to bed and his yellow shirt he had mailed to me from Berlin way back in Feb.  Anything I could find that reminded me of him.  I didnt want reminders of the man he used to be floating all around my house, in my face, reminding me of who I would miss so much.  I packed all of it up, put it in a box, and asked him to meet me for lunch.  I broke up with him face to face over lunch.  It was hard, and awkward and I can never look at that restaurant the same way again, but I was proud of myself for being brave ... at least for the first 2 days.  Then I was heartbroken, seriously heartbroken.


In spite of everything that he had done, in spite of all the pain that he put me through, all the tears I had cried when he would let me down over and over and over again, I missed him.  Deeply.  I couldnt get over the fact that we were "supposed" to be together, it was fate that brought us back together, how could I deny fate?  I felt like I was giving up on him during a time when he needed me most of all, how could I honestly sit there and do that to the man that meant the most to me?  I was distraught.  What had I done?  So I sent him an email.  I didnt know what else to do, I was so sad and the one person who I wanted to talk to, my best friend, was the one person who I couldnt -- and I couldnt handle that.  He was my hero, my soul mate, my everything for almost a year, how could I just let that history walk away?  I would think back on the good times and it would make the hurt even worse.  The email I sent led to an email from him, and then a phone call from me.  I called him, in tears, because I needed to talk to the one person who would understand what I was going through.  And he did.  And of course he made me feel better, talking to him always makes me feel better.  So we talked and we decided that enough was enough, that we wanted to start over.  I felt an amazing sense of relief and I was happy once again.


The next 7 weeks were amazing!  I let go of my expectations, I let him have his space, I reconnected with friends who I had kind of ignored for a while, I enjoyed my kids and family more than I had in months!!  Everything was going great!  I could see the man who I wanted, he was coming back to me!  He was responsive, gentile and kind and more available, and what mattered most -- he was trying!  That was worth more to me than anything, because it showed he cared.  He came up to my work to put little notes and gifts on my car, he was including me, finally!  Things were amazing, we werent fighting, we werent doing the roller coaster of emotions anymore, things were finally leveling off, and we were happy.


Then I asked it.  The question that had been on my mind since April, from the time that I knew it, up to this point.  I had to know where he stood, I deserved to know where he stood.  So, on that surprise vacation he planned for us back in March, I asked him if he loved me.  And he said "no".  He didnt say that he was having trouble with that emotion, that he wasnt quite sure if he was there yet, not maybe, not kind of.  Just "no".  I was horrified, embarrassed, crushed, dumbfounded ... there are no words.  


I will not stay in a relationship without love.  That is not an option, that is a requirement.  I asked him if he will ever love me, and he said "its possible, but not probable" which is something that he tells me when he doesnt want to tell me "no".


What do you mean, no?  Things are going so well??  The past 7 weeks have been amazing, the past year of my life has been amazing!  Was that all wasted time?  Was this just a game to him?? I had to know.  A couple days after the bomb, when we got back from our insanely awkward vacation, I decided that we could not go any further unless I had some answers.  So I made a video for him, I did this because my past experiences with confronting him in person have not ended well, so I wanted to try another avenue.  So I made a video of half of the conversation I needed to have with him.  My half.  I asked him about his "no", and pretty much everything else that had been weighing on my mind, and I told him that he needed to address this either with a video, or a face to face conversation, it didnt matter, but the other half of the conversation needed to be had.  His response to my video, was an email.  In the email he stated, in black and white, typed out on paper and written right out in front of me, the words I was scared to hear:


"...i don't feel that you are attacking me. it's just that i've plainly stated how i feel, what i am doing with my life (which direction it's going), and what i want out of my life right now.

beating the dead horse isn't my game. it's yours. i've explicitly stated that ...

1) i don't see us becoming a "long term" thing (i.e. no marriage or being together years+ from now).

2) i don't "love" you (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love)

3) each of the 3 times prior (2? 4?) we broke up, i told you the 100% truth about all of the above

i don't want you to feel like you're "waiting around" or see you hurt anymore.  Step up and live your life, thats what im doing ..."

Really??  That selfish, self-righteous bastard.  Its bad enough that he doesnt love me (note the wiki link), but now, he ALSO doesnt see us together long-term??  So -- yes, to answer my own question, I guess I have wasted a year of my life, and I guess a year doesnt constitute a "long-term thing".  Fuck him.  Too bad he had NEVER, ever, even once told me about these feelings.  What happened to me being part of his life plan?  I guess his life plan ends at 30yrs old -- that doesnt indicate a long-term thing?  What about making plans in March for a trip the following January -- I guess that doesnt indicate a long-term thing either.  Clearly he has had no intention of me being in his life, huh? -- way to contradict yourself.  And thanks for filling me in when that changed.   


He stripped me of so many things over the past couple of months as he pulled away from me, and now he capped it all off by taking away the one thing that I held onto for dear life, his love.

So, of course, my response to that was:

"I want you out of my life.  Game over."

That was 7 days ago.  So here I am.  Heartbroken and without resolve.  Why cant he meet me in the middle?  How do you tell someone who you have been with the past year that you dont love them and dont see them as a viable option for a long term relationship?  Who does that??  Yet I still miss him.  I have gone through every emotion imaginable this past week: 

• hate, because I hate the words he said to me
• love, because even though he doesnt love me, I do love him
• sadness, because I am grieving the loss of our relationship that I thought would stand the test of time, the relationship that I thought was "the one".  I am truly heartbroken.
• embarrassment, how could I continue to run back to him
• happiness and relief that I dont have to deal with him any more
• disgust, because he used me and I feel worthless
• anger, Oh boy am I angry!!  How could he set me up for failure like this?
• fear, most of all fear, because I am uncertain about my future -- and I still want him in it, and that scares me

Honestly, sometimes I will experience ALL these emotions in less than an hour's time.  How can I be so all over the map?  Which is why I have decided to start this blog.  I feel that if I can get these emotions out on paper, maybe that will help me work though this....

We shall see.